Syndicated And Local Television Chronicles #4: GSN Is The Devils Workshop

A fact I learned when I was a sick child staying home from school, relearned every summer vacation, and recently relearned again during my stints at the amino acid study is that daytime television is downright dismal. If you ever find yourself noticing that Walker, Texas Ranger is the most watchable thing on, it's time to turn off the god damn TV, but more than that, it will cause you to question the very medium as well as your worth as a human being. An abysmal sea of game shows, soap operas, trash talk shows, divorce courts, shitty movies and Tyra Banks, daytime TV is the televisions subtle way of telling you that you are pathetic and need to do something with yourself. With the prime demographics being the unemployed, the elderly and the constantly drunk, most networks cheaply bought reruns, over-commercialized game shows and prude, crude, right-wing-scare-tactic boot-camp shout-o-rama talk shows are shoved between the hours of fuck-it's-eight-o-clock-and-I'm-still-drunk and hey-sonny-boy-it's-4-PM-and-it's-almost-time-for-pills-bingo-and-depression. It's a strain to watch, but ultimately I think this is a good thing. You'll notice the commercials that air during daytime TV (aside from all the complacent-housewife Swiffer ads during the stories) are primarily for local colleges, elderly-mobility devices and car companies that give little to no shit about your credit. Basically, television is telling you that you are poor, lazy and ain't got dick going for you. If you're even watching daytime TV, it's good that someone you will actually listen to is telling you such things.

I saw a commercial on during daytime TV the other day that literally was just a man yelling at the viewer, telling them they were pathetic and should get their shit together. It was inspiring. It was for a local college, the theme was "what the fuck are you doing watching TV, do something with your fucking life". And instead of the old standard in infomercials of "But Wait...!", he responded to the queries that were sure to arise with "No, not next semester, not tomorrow, call right now, bitch!" The actual product or service he offered was not as important to me as the message: Do something. Just fucking do something. Daytime television seems like it's terrible for a reason: You should not be watching it. You can watch House when you get home from work if you want. But you gotta get a job first.

Syndicated And Local Television Chronicles #3: You're Not A Guy, Carhop Guy

I have always hated commercials. I hate them beyond the typical armchair junkie who hates them simply for the fact that they interrupt his shitty program. I think they are evil and sick. I think advertising is the bane of the our culture and that they perfectly exemplify capitalisms death grip on the mind of our society. All this being said, I still hold a somewhat warm palce in my heart for local advertising. When you see a commercial for Pepsi with Jessica Simpson or whomever the fuck prancing around shitting in Coke bottles and laciviously pouring sticky Pepsi about her supple breasts, there is much more going on beyond product recognition: You know what Pepsi is. You knew a long time ago. No fucking Pepsi Challenge is going to turn you form one side of the petty soda wars to the other; you made your decision a long time ago, one that should have been "Fuck you, assholes". But local advertising gets back to the bare-bones purpose behind commericals: To tell you about a product. There is usually very little of a brainwashing element to local commercials, primarily because they simply don't have the budget for it. Empire Today doesn't have the money for a team of devil-worshipping psychologists who can spew mind-numbing filth and spread earworms of self-destruction into your brain. They just wanna tell you about some carpets. They're not big enough to be truly evil, and the scale they work on is not such that they can kill Columbians or poison lakes.

And sweet old Lynn Hauldren. Oh me oh my. An element of television truly died the day you were replaced by computer-generated pictures of yourself. More commonly known as the "Empire Carpet Man", Lynn has served as the icon of Empire Today since 1973, adding a sweet poor acting ability to the heart of the company. He even sang the infectuous jingle, one that has captured the hearts of millions. Hauldren is an example of A Guy. By this I mean simply that he is a character on television who is not an actor or otherwise a celebrity, but is recognized enough to be considered somewhat of a meme. Other Guys include Dick Enrico, the dude with jerry curls from all the Lickety Splits commercials, Eric the Bike Man, Dean and Umie (you smug sons of bitches), and, of course, this guy (hey hey, you heard me). There's something sort of sweet and delightful about the silly iconography of these individuals.

But Carhop Guy, you are not a Guy. You are trying really, really hard to become one of these local commercial icons and it is just not happening. You even call yourself the Carhop Guy! What kind of brass fucking balls do you have to declare yourself one of these Guys without the years of experience to back it up? The Carhop guy is the face of Carhop, cars and credit to go, but there is really nothing interesting or worthwhile about him. He never grabbed my attention other than to decry his self-proclaimed status as Local Guy. You're not up to that level, my friend. You've got to be silly or sweet or bizarre or something, you can't just yell at me and worm your way into my heart. It's a trust, man, one that you can't just take on a whim. You need to earn that status, and it is not one that is applied by anyone other than the audience. Yes, it seems like a difficult thing to break into, but that's because it is. No one who is at that level got there intentionally, it just happened. Do you think Sammy Stevens really had any idea his little rap about Flea Market Montgomery would take off the way that it did? No, it just happened. These things are somewhat random and are largely based on a sort of unknown set of factors. We can't always put our finger on why we grow attatched to something, and you can't force it. Besides, I would say most of the charm behind these Guys is that they are just sort of wacky figures who don't really think too much about it. Most of them just star in the commercials because they happened to be there at the time or were the least debilitatingly ugly person working at the company. Quit trying so fucking hard. You're not terribly likable or unique.

It takes a certain unsaid something to be a local icon. No one can really quantify what it is exactly, but whatever it may be, you ain't got it, jackass. Get your bald head off my teevee and quit yelling at me.

Come With Me To My Death Machine!

Today I applied at a cereal bar that is about to open by my house. I began to question whether this was a compromising of my principles. I have previously been outspoken against the concept, and I still think it is a pretty dumb one. A restaurant that only serves cereal? Come on. When I first saw this concept on the Food Network a while ago, I was a little irked by its impetuous premise: All you do is pour fucking milk in a fucking bowl and I have to shill out 7 fucking dollars? Fuck. I saw it as a fad, another indication of hipster-elite non-restaurants that throw in our face how silly they are. It didn't seem to be devised by or tendered towards true cereal connoisseurs as it simply shills out your basic O's and flakes and wheats and whatnot. No surprises, no obscure brands, no real soul. Do you people really feel a cereal bar is something that ought to exist, or is this for the buck? There is no artisanship involved, no passion for the subject. Boo on cereal bars, basically.

On the other hand, I like cereal a lot, and the idea of being able to stop by after class and just get a bowl of Lucky Charms without having to buy the whole damn box is slightly appealing. It would seem silly if a bowl was comparable in price to an actual box, but who knows? I really just assumed gastronomical prices because I am one of those cynics who yells at TV. Also, cries of "you're not really doing anything for me I couldn't do myself" change their face when behind the counter. All of a sudden the place is simply a really easy job, one that is nearly impossible to fuck up, plus I'm sure I'll get to eat tons of cereal. I truly have a passion for cereal, one that has declined in my "grown-up" days (mainly just because it's out of my price range). I could talk your ear off about some pretty uninteresting things, and I have a true love of the confection. Cereal sort of deserves better recognition, there's nothing wrong with raising awareness. The issue I have is it seems these bars don't share my passion. But perhaps that could all change. If I worked there, I would talk cereal all day, eat cereal all day, discuss cereal with other cereal patrons and work over the history of cartoon figureheads who love to eat wheat despite being lions. I have a desire to change the industry, to turn it into a haven for other cereal-philosophers to come and find those rare cereals they can't get anywhere else. When I took a look at the menu, I was a little bothered. All real basic stuff, no real imagination involved. No Cracklin' Oat Bran? No Boo Berry? No King Vitamin? I could sneak into the dorm cafeterias and steal the same selection they have. I really would love to see them branch out and try some weird cereals that may find a niche market and open up new possibilities of what a cereal bar can be.

My hope is that my interview is simply me discussing how much I love cereal rather than "Can you pour two different things into a bowl also with a spoon oh and how about mopping is that a thing you do". Fuck that. Ask me my opinions on the Mikey commercials remakes, the rumor of the discontinuation of Wheaties, the tragic death of the other two Cinnamon Toast Crunch chefs, and the reprehensible change in focus of Cookie Crisps appalling dog-centric ads. You ought to have to write essays to work at this place. Every employee had better have a deep interest in the field, otherwise I believe I'm in for a big disappointment. But if I work there, I can perhaps be a driving force for change, and hopefully revolutionize the industry.

Basically, when it comes down to it, I don't believe applying there is a corruption of my principles because having a job in the first place goes against what I believe in. Corporations, money, and especially working dipshit jobs are all evil and wrong, but thats what living in a capitalist society is. I gotta eat, so I gotta get a job. Might as well be one I can eat cereal at all day.