Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Hooplah and Heresy

I am all up and graduated from a respectable institution. You may not realize this from the way that I have introduced this post, but I am now smart and have a piece of paper saying I will be mailed another piece of paper which says so (once I pay them their moneys). I graduated with an English major and I swear to you I can write better than what you've just seen. This is an informal representation of my untold mastery of the English language, one whose audience is not concerned with trivial things such as semi-colons nor asterisks. I am now in Providence, Rhode Island, living with my lady and looking for something to stave off starvation, if only for a little while.

Jobs are hard. Jobs are things you don't want to have and certainly don't want to look for. Jobs give you money in exchange for hurting you over and over again with kicks to the teeth and stomach. Jobs don't come up to you and go "Hey!", you have to go up to them and say "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!" until they turn around, look you up and down, and walk away, at which point you have to hang onto the bumper of their car as they drive off, then you have to break into their window at night and inform them what is what. Not having a job allows me to come up with ridiculous sentences like the one you have just read. I'm not sure that not having a job is a good idea, because these kinds of sentences are terrible and harmful and we all hate them. I need to write sentences about other, more important things, like black presidents and why a band is not as good as they used to be. These are the sorts of sentences which make money, but as stated before, you can't just write them and hope someone throws some nickels at you. You have to be employed to write these sentences, which involves a big man with lots of money and two cigars dangling from his disheveled teeth who doles out checks saying something like "Boffo is kicks!" and giving a big thumbs up. Only then is what you write deemed worthy of money. Then you get employed. Employment is very important because it tells people around you that you have things to do and that you can afford to buy sandwiches. Until you become employed, you are unemployed. When you are unemployed, being on the internet or taking a nap are not acceptable because you have made no money nor collected any stories of idiots you met during the day. Without money or idiot stories, you have no licence to write silly sentences on the internet; you need to write important sentences with carefully chosen font sizes and they must be sent to people who could give you money if they wanted to. They never do.

Today is the first day of my post-graduation job hunt. I have experience in writing for actual things now, which I hope will help me find something nice and bullshitty, but I also have experience cramming bagels with awful things, which could help me find something where I have to wash my hands a lot. Providence has the worst unemployment rate in the country right now, which makes it difficult to find a word which equally expresses my combating feelings of sarcastic optimism and impending doom. I've heard all this talk about recession this and large corporation has to close all operations and fire 20 million people that and et cetera, and I can't help but let that make me feel a little nervous. I've already lost a gig due to the economy, unceremoniously cast aside like some boot at the end of a fishing line. Getting another gig may prove to be tricky. I will keep my head up, I suppose.

To get to Providence from Minnesota, my girlfriend and I took the train for two days. We were in DC briefly, standing in an ill-formed line with too many coats on for a few hours. We were unable to catch any of the inauguration or the following festivities, and instead experienced the joy that is barely-mitigated chaos in a major transit center. The train was mostly quite enjoyable, as I was expected to do nothing other than sit there and look out the window and eat on occasion, like a cat, if asked what its favorite activities were. I have had a rather hectic winter break and it is nice to do nothing once in a while.

The spell checker wants me to capitalize the word "internet". I refuse.
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