Father Knows Best Is Only Above Walker, Texas Ranger Because Of Chronology
At work the other day, Saran wrap had a real problem with me. It was not my best friend. It took me several tries to successfully wrap up old BBQ pork. Saran wrap was my enemy; I wrapped it up and tossed it in the trash several times as evidence of my hatred for it. Fuck you, Saran wrap. Fuck you a lot. I hate you, inanimate object. You ruin my life.
Actually, Saran wrap is not out to get me. This is really just an example of an already apparent general issue I have with myself: I fail at things that you should not be able to fail at. Who the fuck thinks twice about Saran wrap? It is a boring subject, not to be thought about twice. You wrap your shit up and move on. There really ought not to be a thought process involved. But I'm me, and being me, I fail at the little aspects of life to a ridiculous degree. I can't cook. I can't drive. I can't relay directions to another. I can't unlock my door in less than five minutes. When I was a kid it took me what seemed like my whole life to ride a bike. All the real basic things a human being should simply know how to do and not have to think about, I am awful at. I get embarrassed when around other human beings, because they all know how to do basic shit and they don't comprehend another human being who doesn't. I am a beautiful anamoly, a man of basic intelligence who is barely self-reliant.
I hate myself. This is not new. I've never been a fan of myself. When you hang out with the same guy for 21 years, he starts to get on your nerves. Every time I look in the mirror I see that guy who I suppose represents me to the world. Fuck that guy.
I, like those who live with having lost an arm or something, live with it. I am depressed and have poor self-esteem. There it is, you're gonna have to live a life. It's something that is always on the backburner, but I try my best to not bring it to the forefront. These little failures help remind me of how much I dislike this fellow that I am. Yes, you are a failure. Here's proof. You can't ignore it any longer. I get so pissed off at little shit like Saran wrap and when my CD player skips and dumb shit like that because it represents a larger picture of self-loathing. What I really despise is when people call me on it, a "You don't know how to [blank]" or "Haven't you ever [blanked] before?". My roommate last year was insufferable to this regard, and so have been several assholes I've encountered. Thanks for telling me what I already know.
My sadness and anger at myself only helps make me more sad because I know it's dumb. Why are so down on yourself, idiot? If Saran wrap is the worst of my problems, I'm doing pretty well. It's such an American, privleged thing to draw attention to the insignificant like that. My problems are petty and unimportant, which only serves to make me more pissed at myself about even drawing attention to them.
Whatever. Depression is the lamest thing in the world, and I'll try not to talk about it anymore.
Next time: Scatological humor! I promise!
Actually, Saran wrap is not out to get me. This is really just an example of an already apparent general issue I have with myself: I fail at things that you should not be able to fail at. Who the fuck thinks twice about Saran wrap? It is a boring subject, not to be thought about twice. You wrap your shit up and move on. There really ought not to be a thought process involved. But I'm me, and being me, I fail at the little aspects of life to a ridiculous degree. I can't cook. I can't drive. I can't relay directions to another. I can't unlock my door in less than five minutes. When I was a kid it took me what seemed like my whole life to ride a bike. All the real basic things a human being should simply know how to do and not have to think about, I am awful at. I get embarrassed when around other human beings, because they all know how to do basic shit and they don't comprehend another human being who doesn't. I am a beautiful anamoly, a man of basic intelligence who is barely self-reliant.
I hate myself. This is not new. I've never been a fan of myself. When you hang out with the same guy for 21 years, he starts to get on your nerves. Every time I look in the mirror I see that guy who I suppose represents me to the world. Fuck that guy.
I, like those who live with having lost an arm or something, live with it. I am depressed and have poor self-esteem. There it is, you're gonna have to live a life. It's something that is always on the backburner, but I try my best to not bring it to the forefront. These little failures help remind me of how much I dislike this fellow that I am. Yes, you are a failure. Here's proof. You can't ignore it any longer. I get so pissed off at little shit like Saran wrap and when my CD player skips and dumb shit like that because it represents a larger picture of self-loathing. What I really despise is when people call me on it, a "You don't know how to [blank]" or "Haven't you ever [blanked] before?". My roommate last year was insufferable to this regard, and so have been several assholes I've encountered. Thanks for telling me what I already know.
My sadness and anger at myself only helps make me more sad because I know it's dumb. Why are so down on yourself, idiot? If Saran wrap is the worst of my problems, I'm doing pretty well. It's such an American, privleged thing to draw attention to the insignificant like that. My problems are petty and unimportant, which only serves to make me more pissed at myself about even drawing attention to them.
Whatever. Depression is the lamest thing in the world, and I'll try not to talk about it anymore.
Next time: Scatological humor! I promise!
posted by MC Harv at 11:16 AM
4 Comments:
I'm sorry, Jack. This time it's not your inadequacies as a human being, but actually, it was the Saran Wrap. That shit sucks.
Besides, you know I hate when you get like this.
Well, it happens. Give me two weeks and I'll be chipper as a god damn beaver, I promise.
No, I hate it cuz I feel sorry for you. Makes me want to cuddle you and feed you soup or something. Kinda hard to do that from CO.
It kind of makes me wish you were small and could sit on my lap. I adore you Jack!
I agree that Saran Wrap sucks. Also, I think you are no worse at life than any of the rest of us are. Every time I talk to anyone I know I am reminded that I consistantly blather rather than speak effectively.
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