Syndicated And Local Television Chronicles #3: You're Not A Guy, Carhop Guy

I have always hated commercials. I hate them beyond the typical armchair junkie who hates them simply for the fact that they interrupt his shitty program. I think they are evil and sick. I think advertising is the bane of the our culture and that they perfectly exemplify capitalisms death grip on the mind of our society. All this being said, I still hold a somewhat warm palce in my heart for local advertising. When you see a commercial for Pepsi with Jessica Simpson or whomever the fuck prancing around shitting in Coke bottles and laciviously pouring sticky Pepsi about her supple breasts, there is much more going on beyond product recognition: You know what Pepsi is. You knew a long time ago. No fucking Pepsi Challenge is going to turn you form one side of the petty soda wars to the other; you made your decision a long time ago, one that should have been "Fuck you, assholes". But local advertising gets back to the bare-bones purpose behind commericals: To tell you about a product. There is usually very little of a brainwashing element to local commercials, primarily because they simply don't have the budget for it. Empire Today doesn't have the money for a team of devil-worshipping psychologists who can spew mind-numbing filth and spread earworms of self-destruction into your brain. They just wanna tell you about some carpets. They're not big enough to be truly evil, and the scale they work on is not such that they can kill Columbians or poison lakes.

And sweet old Lynn Hauldren. Oh me oh my. An element of television truly died the day you were replaced by computer-generated pictures of yourself. More commonly known as the "Empire Carpet Man", Lynn has served as the icon of Empire Today since 1973, adding a sweet poor acting ability to the heart of the company. He even sang the infectuous jingle, one that has captured the hearts of millions. Hauldren is an example of A Guy. By this I mean simply that he is a character on television who is not an actor or otherwise a celebrity, but is recognized enough to be considered somewhat of a meme. Other Guys include Dick Enrico, the dude with jerry curls from all the Lickety Splits commercials, Eric the Bike Man, Dean and Umie (you smug sons of bitches), and, of course, this guy (hey hey, you heard me). There's something sort of sweet and delightful about the silly iconography of these individuals.

But Carhop Guy, you are not a Guy. You are trying really, really hard to become one of these local commercial icons and it is just not happening. You even call yourself the Carhop Guy! What kind of brass fucking balls do you have to declare yourself one of these Guys without the years of experience to back it up? The Carhop guy is the face of Carhop, cars and credit to go, but there is really nothing interesting or worthwhile about him. He never grabbed my attention other than to decry his self-proclaimed status as Local Guy. You're not up to that level, my friend. You've got to be silly or sweet or bizarre or something, you can't just yell at me and worm your way into my heart. It's a trust, man, one that you can't just take on a whim. You need to earn that status, and it is not one that is applied by anyone other than the audience. Yes, it seems like a difficult thing to break into, but that's because it is. No one who is at that level got there intentionally, it just happened. Do you think Sammy Stevens really had any idea his little rap about Flea Market Montgomery would take off the way that it did? No, it just happened. These things are somewhat random and are largely based on a sort of unknown set of factors. We can't always put our finger on why we grow attatched to something, and you can't force it. Besides, I would say most of the charm behind these Guys is that they are just sort of wacky figures who don't really think too much about it. Most of them just star in the commercials because they happened to be there at the time or were the least debilitatingly ugly person working at the company. Quit trying so fucking hard. You're not terribly likable or unique.

It takes a certain unsaid something to be a local icon. No one can really quantify what it is exactly, but whatever it may be, you ain't got it, jackass. Get your bald head off my teevee and quit yelling at me.