Something Blue Is Certainly Going On In There

I really hate the feeling of becoming a standard college cliche. It's happened quite a bit lately. I laze around outside, throw Frisbees around and get drunk on the weekends. It's all so... normal. Ugh. And so here I am yet again in a very typical situation, this time of money struggles. It's like my life was written by the writers of Full House. This cliche of living cliches is really bothering me, because I can't seem to think of another word for it than cliche. Plus these problems I'm having are just so... lame. Doesn't anybody get kidnapped by pirates anymore? What happened to people losing their homework in a sewer and then meeting the king of the crocodiles? No, everybody instead succumbs to typical college problems, like the he-said she-said gossip bullshit, poorly made college food, and having a teacher who doesn't give you the grade you want and it's of course all their fault. Yawn.

So here I am strapped for cash. Here I am buying really cheap food and picking up nickels on the ground. So technically, nothing has changed, except that now it's just so obvious. At one point I was comfortable enough financially to not buy bottom of the barrel products and go up to second-notch-from-the-bottom. But now the barrel has a hole and I'm leaked back down to the base. I grappled with the issue of buying laundry detergent today, after spending as long as I possibly could avoiding thinking about laundry altogether. I figured it was time to do it today, as I have no more socks or underwear. So here I am buying the trusty and reliable brand known as "Ultra". I've never heard of Ultra, but god damn was it cheap. But now begin my issues with Ultra:

1. First off, buying the cheapest thing on the shelves is not always beneficial. What, you ask? More expensive products are better than cheap ones? Yes, my silly ignorant questionierre, not all products are created the same. You may think to yourself: "I'll buy the Ivory, as soap is soap and brand doesn't make a difference la la la la." You could be more wrong, but for the sake of overdramaticizing the situation, surely you could not. Ivory is the White Castle of soap. I made the mistake once of buying it, it being the cheapest thing there. Bad move, bucko. Clearly, at the Ivory company, "soap" is another word for "not soap at all but rather a chalky bar of hazmat that melts when in contact with water and snaps when touched". I can see why they shortened it down to the word "soap", because that's a lot of words to put on the label, and it's difficult to market a product that points out it's deficiences so accurately. I figure this Ultra is similar in this regard, being the cheapest possible detergent, and will have to see how many termite nests are in my clothes when I get around to putting them away.

2. The name. "Ultra". Now, granted, I have a problem with most detergent names, but this is usually out of their sheer silliness. Ultra, however, goes deeper, I think. Other detergents choose nouns, like Tide, or verbs, like Wisk, to name their product. But Ultra is an adjective. This is tricky. Ultra is clearly describing something, as is the nature of an adjective, but what is it describing? One might venture the assumption of Ultra Cleanliness, or Ultra Satisfaction, or even something as lame as Ultra Cuddly Time Freshness. But the vague nature here tends to provide my conspiritorial mind with all sorts of other possibilities, like Ultra Unclean, Ultra Inability To Work, or even Ultra Neo-Nazi Underground Death Camps! Do I want my $1.94 to support not only a Neo-Nazi death camp, but an ultra Neo-Nazi death camp??? No sir!

3. Of the selection of fine Ultra products was the 32 load detergent and the 16 load detergent. Now, I'm no economist, nor am I able to tie my shoes without the help of a fireman, but I still somehow can make the assumption that the 32 load is going to be more expensive than the 16 load, right? Wrong! The 16 load was about twice as much as the 32. This dynamic has always confused me. Why would anyone buy the more expensive one that is smaller? It doesn't make any sense. I considered buying the expensive one, actually, because something seemed amiss and I felt like I ought not to buy the clear choice; it seemed to obvious. Something was fishy here.

4. "Ultra"??? I still can't get over that name. How lame and dumb. Both.

Needless to say, despite all these factors, I bought it and used it. I'm cheap, and probably will be until the day I die. Not cheap so much as ungenerously or pettily reluctant to spend money. I don't really spend money on anything anyway. Plus I don't really have any. It's a nice combination.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have Tootie Frootys and Best Yet to enjoy.