Syndicated And Local Television Chronicles #4: GSN Is The Devils Workshop

A fact I learned when I was a sick child staying home from school, relearned every summer vacation, and recently relearned again during my stints at the amino acid study is that daytime television is downright dismal. If you ever find yourself noticing that Walker, Texas Ranger is the most watchable thing on, it's time to turn off the god damn TV, but more than that, it will cause you to question the very medium as well as your worth as a human being. An abysmal sea of game shows, soap operas, trash talk shows, divorce courts, shitty movies and Tyra Banks, daytime TV is the televisions subtle way of telling you that you are pathetic and need to do something with yourself. With the prime demographics being the unemployed, the elderly and the constantly drunk, most networks cheaply bought reruns, over-commercialized game shows and prude, crude, right-wing-scare-tactic boot-camp shout-o-rama talk shows are shoved between the hours of fuck-it's-eight-o-clock-and-I'm-still-drunk and hey-sonny-boy-it's-4-PM-and-it's-almost-time-for-pills-bingo-and-depression. It's a strain to watch, but ultimately I think this is a good thing. You'll notice the commercials that air during daytime TV (aside from all the complacent-housewife Swiffer ads during the stories) are primarily for local colleges, elderly-mobility devices and car companies that give little to no shit about your credit. Basically, television is telling you that you are poor, lazy and ain't got dick going for you. If you're even watching daytime TV, it's good that someone you will actually listen to is telling you such things.

I saw a commercial on during daytime TV the other day that literally was just a man yelling at the viewer, telling them they were pathetic and should get their shit together. It was inspiring. It was for a local college, the theme was "what the fuck are you doing watching TV, do something with your fucking life". And instead of the old standard in infomercials of "But Wait...!", he responded to the queries that were sure to arise with "No, not next semester, not tomorrow, call right now, bitch!" The actual product or service he offered was not as important to me as the message: Do something. Just fucking do something. Daytime television seems like it's terrible for a reason: You should not be watching it. You can watch House when you get home from work if you want. But you gotta get a job first.