Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

How fucking cool would it be to chill with rappers? No, I'm not talking "In Da Club"; I'm talking in someones basement on beat-up old furniture watching crappy movies and eating junk food. Think about it: I'm sure even the most hardcore of rappers have their chill days. Constant drinking, smoking, pimping, and crunked-out mayhem gets tiring, and I'll bet like every other decent American these homeboys lay back in the shack with their peeps and watch B-movies. I'm not sure how I got to thinking about this. I guess it came to me as I heard a Wu-Tang song playing during a french rap show I went to tonight (La Coste, from L.A., with Gemini and Femme Fatality. Fucking rocked). As I listened to the song, I just couldn't help but think "These guys are probably way cool just to chill out with". I saw Coffee And Cigarettes, and the scene with GZA, RZA and Bill Murray only goes to prove my point. So here's my list of rappers I'd like to chill out with, smoke a spliff, and watch shitty movies in a dank basement with:


· Wu-Tang Clan - You know they gotta have the best collection of kung-fu movies ever. I can totally imagine Ghostface and Method sitting back, talking martial art philosophy while watching The Mystery Of Chess Boxing or Iron Monkey II or something. I'm sure they get together and watch all these movies every weekend. The pot-drenched bullshit theories that arise from the Clan has got to be priceless.


· Snoop Dogg - This cat absolutely lays back and watches old blaksploitation pics all the time. He seems super laid-back and could totally just have a great conversation about Shaft or Sweet Sweetback's Badaaaaass Song and its merits in modern society... He's starred in most of the remakes of these movies anyway.


· Busta Rhymes - I'm sure Busta watches movies in the most boistrous way possible. I'd love to watch a classic comedy with him, like Animal House or Friday. I'll bet he laughs hysterically, with a big booming guffaw, coupled with rocking back and forth or rolling on the ground. Plus his videos are so fucking out there... He's gotta be a big movie fan. I can just tell.


· Missy Elliot - I'd like to watch some fucked up underground B-movie with Missy, like maybe Larry Cohen's God Told Me To or Bad Ronald or something. I'm sure she loves this stuff, also judging by her videos. We'd probably sit and revel in the beauty of The Re-Animator and then go to her studio and freestyle something about it. That'd be dopenotic, yo. That's my ultimate fantasy right there.


· Beastie Boys - Judging from their videos, their live act, their continuous references to movies in flows, their love for Lee Perry, and the fact that Adrock is dating Kathleen Hannah of Le Tigre, these guys would be near the top of the list of most fun to watch movies with. They're all 40ish now, too, so they can't really go out as much as they used to. They've probably got a great collection of DVDs and they probably enjoy banter during B-movies, MST3K style. Word.


· Kanye West - Couldn't tell you exactly why, other than that he seems like a cool guy to hang out with. I'd probably watch something kinda goofy with him, like Airplane! or UHF.


· Princess Superstar - She'd definitly be into all sorts of awesome movies and would absolutely appreciate each of them and be willing to share her interesting opinions with all those around. Plus she's fucking hot and she'd totally be doing something sexy while it's playing. Maybe I'd watch a porn with her, or something like 9 1/2 Weeks to get her in the mood. And then we'd get down and she'd write me into her next flow. Damn. That'd be hot.

But, of course, this concept would not be that much fun with all rappers. Certain rappers seem like they would totally have fun doing something very low-key like watching movies, but many others prefer to get crunked at any and all occasions and haven't seen a non-porn movie since Alladin. And so, with that in mind, here is my list of rappers with whom I would not like to watch movies with:


· Lil' Jon - This man could not sit still long enough to watch a movies, much less have a riveting post-film discussion. He'd go get crunked during the opening credits and then go abuse some hoes at a local eatery. It'd totally kill the moment.


· D-12 - I'm not sure why, but I just have the feeling they've got shitty taste in movies. Plus having all of them in the room would just get annoying, and Eminem would wind up humping my fish tank or something, and the whole event would wind up on the cover of People. It'd all get so complicated, and I just see them all being dicks through the whole thing. Have some respect, fellahs! Some of us are trying to watch!


· 50 Cent - Watching movies isn't gangta. Can't be seen not being gangsta. Even if we watched Scarface or something, he'd be a whiny little bitch and ask why we're not currently in da club. C'mon, Fiddy. Loosen up a little.

Yeah, and so forth. Now if I could somehow set up a time with these rappers that they're not busy on some Sunday afternoon, I could live my foolish dream. Word.