Fuck Trees
Dammit, shouldn't I be tired yet? No. All my freinds have Friday off, so they get to enjoy their Thristy Thursdays while I get to go to sleep and prepare for stupid class in the morning. So of course I don't. I always stay up with my Thursday buddies. We don't drink on Thursdays usually; I just really like calling them Thirsty Thursdays. But I still stay up later than I probably should. But I watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit, easily one of the greatest movies of all time, and easily better than remembering I have class in the morning. I never get tired at appropiate times. I'm always awake during appropiate sleeping times and asleep during all others. Whenever I'm up late, I do the backwards calculation thing that most people do at cemetaries and figure how much sleep I'm going to end up getting. So, if I have to get up by 10:45 for my 10:50 class, that means if I go to bed at 2, I'll get a good and healthy 8 hours and 45 minutes of sleep, right? That's good, isn't it? Those posters in my junior high nurses office would be proud. I'll even eat some veggies to really show them who's fucking king of living right.
But of course, it never works like that, as just because I go to bed at 2 doesn't mean I'll go to sleep at 2. I spend lots and lots of time in bed, not sleeping, wishing desperately it were due to getting some ass rather than simple unsexy insomnia. I hate that feeling of lying in bed, eyes closed, light off, everything set up for sleep, and the only thing missing is the sleep itself. It sucks. It's such a waste of time. Plus I don't gently drift away into slumber but rather am violently dragged, kicking and screaming, by that child-molesting sandman into Sleepy Time Villiage. In the morning I can never tell when I went to sleep or how far off from my initial calculation I was, and I end up tired and cranky all day. Though a cranky Jack is fun and games for all you people, for me it's like someone's trying to put out the fire in my brain with a boot. I get this "Don't talk to me" look on my face and I'm unabashedly rude. I don't like being rude, but if it keeps me from having to talk to anyone, I'll cross that line. I plop on my headphones and drown out the ugly and stupid world and be alone with my pissy self.
Good sleep is the best thing ever. However, sleep is like American television: When it's done right, it's amazing and there's nothing better in the world, but it hardly ever is and it destroys your faith in it forever. I used to sleep in too long and waste the entire day, and then a few years ago I simply lost the ability. I suddenly could not wake up any later than 9:00 AM, no matter how late I stayed up. I've always been a night owl, but as soon as I became a morning person too, my entire life became shot. I've been on no sleep forever. Sleep deprevation adds to my hilarity, supposedly, so I suppose that's good for you people, but it's probably destroying my already gone health. Lately I've been doing better, I suppose, but I've never been a completely healthy sleeper. The alarm in the morning is like a knife stabbing through my face, ie I don't really like it a whole lot. I always feel like if I could have the whole day to just sleep, I'd be alright, but that's not necessarily true, because too much sleep is no good either because it simply makes you more tired. There's the wonderful middle ground that is like having sex with chocolate unicorns, but I hardly ever achieve it. Bah! Lately I've been doing the pissiest thing ever, where I wake up naturally two hours before my alarm goes off, and of course I can't go to sleep again. Fucking ass. That's two hours you can just knock off of my life. Those add up. I've lost like 6 weeks in bed, like I was some kind of sickly kimo fuck with a broken femur and a tumor coming out of my eye, but without the fun of the pity or prescription painkillers. I also have dreams sometimes where I'm in bed, trying to get to sleep, like in that Calvin and Hobbes comic. Those are murderous. I have dreams where I'm doing normal shit all the time, and it's euthanising my ability to sleep. Sometime I'll find the secret to proper sleep. I'll bet it's in a box somewhere, you know under the sea, protected by a zombie merman pirate. You'd have to solve his ancient riddle and he'll let you sleep well for all eternity. Until I find which sea he's in, I'll have to suffer with my nightly toss 'n' turn fest. Dammit, dammit, dammit.
Lately I've been realizing the interesting nature of sleeping whilst drunk or high. Drunk, I don't sleep. I feel it's a waste of drunkeness to sleep. I'll often get into bed, put the covers on, toss once, and realize I'm wasting my wastedness and I need to ride this funky wave down whatever crazy path it'll take me. I constantly find myself in random rooms with random groups of people I've never met before that will give me pissy looks the next day when I try to say "Hi" to them, and wind up staying up forever. I gave the guy who guards the dorm building door Spider Solitaire advice for four hours once, without having any clue how to play Spider Solitaire. He didn't seem to get angry or mind that I was obviously intoxicated, which was entertaining in and of itself. While high, however, I tend to go right to sleep and enjoy the dream state. I can control shit, man! Oh shit! Every time I dream I try to control shit, and only while high can I even sort of achieve it. Granted, all I can really do is float in bed a little bit. So far. One day I'll be like fucking Superman. No, Batman. Batman was better. Yeah. Everytime I dream and I feel even the slightest bit aware of it, I attempt to flick the light switch, as they instructed me to do in Waking Life. My assumption is that if I can successfully get to a light switch and flick it back and forth, that will be the sign that I can control everything else. The closest I got was a dream where I was in the grocery store: Everything was normal enough, but for some reason I could tell I was in a dream. I went to look for a light switch, when all of a sudden an invisible force pulled me to the ground. Determined to get past the light switch barrier, despite this great odd, I began to slowly but surely crawl my way along the floor, desperately searching everywhere. I climbed stairs even (hardest shit EVER), but I seem to have dreamt up the only grocery store on the planet without a fucking light switch. But I tried, dammit. Wasn't even high that time; that shit was pure effort, bitches.
And that night I slept awesome, because I earned it. I haven't earned any sleep as of late, as evidenced by my lack of it. Sleep isn't the toy you get in the cereal; it's the toy you gotta clip 6 proofs of purchase and send in with postage and shipping and handling. It's an awesome toy, but that's a lot of cereal, plus all the time waiting for mail to be sent, especially with my fucking mail system, which is bad enough to deserve it's own post. I'll have to save that one; I'm slow to ideas. Simply getting into bed and telling myself "Go to bed, you dick" isn't enough anymore. I need to go fucking save Camelot from a nine-headed dragon before I can grab Teddy Ruxpin and get some Z's nowadays. Maybe I should literally count sheep; like, grab a sleeping bag and go out to a farm every night. Maybe I should have more sex. Maybe I should drop out of school and sleep whenever I god damn well please. There are many solutions to this problem, most of which I'm sure won't work, and most of which I'm too fucking lazy to attempt. I wonder if my laziness is attributed to my sleep trouble? That's plausible, and it would give me a nice tidy area to place all my blame.
There. At least I solved something. Now I'm going to bed. Let's see, it's 2:41, so I'll get a good 8 hours and 4 minutes of sleep, right? Right. Goodnight.
But of course, it never works like that, as just because I go to bed at 2 doesn't mean I'll go to sleep at 2. I spend lots and lots of time in bed, not sleeping, wishing desperately it were due to getting some ass rather than simple unsexy insomnia. I hate that feeling of lying in bed, eyes closed, light off, everything set up for sleep, and the only thing missing is the sleep itself. It sucks. It's such a waste of time. Plus I don't gently drift away into slumber but rather am violently dragged, kicking and screaming, by that child-molesting sandman into Sleepy Time Villiage. In the morning I can never tell when I went to sleep or how far off from my initial calculation I was, and I end up tired and cranky all day. Though a cranky Jack is fun and games for all you people, for me it's like someone's trying to put out the fire in my brain with a boot. I get this "Don't talk to me" look on my face and I'm unabashedly rude. I don't like being rude, but if it keeps me from having to talk to anyone, I'll cross that line. I plop on my headphones and drown out the ugly and stupid world and be alone with my pissy self.
Good sleep is the best thing ever. However, sleep is like American television: When it's done right, it's amazing and there's nothing better in the world, but it hardly ever is and it destroys your faith in it forever. I used to sleep in too long and waste the entire day, and then a few years ago I simply lost the ability. I suddenly could not wake up any later than 9:00 AM, no matter how late I stayed up. I've always been a night owl, but as soon as I became a morning person too, my entire life became shot. I've been on no sleep forever. Sleep deprevation adds to my hilarity, supposedly, so I suppose that's good for you people, but it's probably destroying my already gone health. Lately I've been doing better, I suppose, but I've never been a completely healthy sleeper. The alarm in the morning is like a knife stabbing through my face, ie I don't really like it a whole lot. I always feel like if I could have the whole day to just sleep, I'd be alright, but that's not necessarily true, because too much sleep is no good either because it simply makes you more tired. There's the wonderful middle ground that is like having sex with chocolate unicorns, but I hardly ever achieve it. Bah! Lately I've been doing the pissiest thing ever, where I wake up naturally two hours before my alarm goes off, and of course I can't go to sleep again. Fucking ass. That's two hours you can just knock off of my life. Those add up. I've lost like 6 weeks in bed, like I was some kind of sickly kimo fuck with a broken femur and a tumor coming out of my eye, but without the fun of the pity or prescription painkillers. I also have dreams sometimes where I'm in bed, trying to get to sleep, like in that Calvin and Hobbes comic. Those are murderous. I have dreams where I'm doing normal shit all the time, and it's euthanising my ability to sleep. Sometime I'll find the secret to proper sleep. I'll bet it's in a box somewhere, you know under the sea, protected by a zombie merman pirate. You'd have to solve his ancient riddle and he'll let you sleep well for all eternity. Until I find which sea he's in, I'll have to suffer with my nightly toss 'n' turn fest. Dammit, dammit, dammit.
Lately I've been realizing the interesting nature of sleeping whilst drunk or high. Drunk, I don't sleep. I feel it's a waste of drunkeness to sleep. I'll often get into bed, put the covers on, toss once, and realize I'm wasting my wastedness and I need to ride this funky wave down whatever crazy path it'll take me. I constantly find myself in random rooms with random groups of people I've never met before that will give me pissy looks the next day when I try to say "Hi" to them, and wind up staying up forever. I gave the guy who guards the dorm building door Spider Solitaire advice for four hours once, without having any clue how to play Spider Solitaire. He didn't seem to get angry or mind that I was obviously intoxicated, which was entertaining in and of itself. While high, however, I tend to go right to sleep and enjoy the dream state. I can control shit, man! Oh shit! Every time I dream I try to control shit, and only while high can I even sort of achieve it. Granted, all I can really do is float in bed a little bit. So far. One day I'll be like fucking Superman. No, Batman. Batman was better. Yeah. Everytime I dream and I feel even the slightest bit aware of it, I attempt to flick the light switch, as they instructed me to do in Waking Life. My assumption is that if I can successfully get to a light switch and flick it back and forth, that will be the sign that I can control everything else. The closest I got was a dream where I was in the grocery store: Everything was normal enough, but for some reason I could tell I was in a dream. I went to look for a light switch, when all of a sudden an invisible force pulled me to the ground. Determined to get past the light switch barrier, despite this great odd, I began to slowly but surely crawl my way along the floor, desperately searching everywhere. I climbed stairs even (hardest shit EVER), but I seem to have dreamt up the only grocery store on the planet without a fucking light switch. But I tried, dammit. Wasn't even high that time; that shit was pure effort, bitches.
And that night I slept awesome, because I earned it. I haven't earned any sleep as of late, as evidenced by my lack of it. Sleep isn't the toy you get in the cereal; it's the toy you gotta clip 6 proofs of purchase and send in with postage and shipping and handling. It's an awesome toy, but that's a lot of cereal, plus all the time waiting for mail to be sent, especially with my fucking mail system, which is bad enough to deserve it's own post. I'll have to save that one; I'm slow to ideas. Simply getting into bed and telling myself "Go to bed, you dick" isn't enough anymore. I need to go fucking save Camelot from a nine-headed dragon before I can grab Teddy Ruxpin and get some Z's nowadays. Maybe I should literally count sheep; like, grab a sleeping bag and go out to a farm every night. Maybe I should have more sex. Maybe I should drop out of school and sleep whenever I god damn well please. There are many solutions to this problem, most of which I'm sure won't work, and most of which I'm too fucking lazy to attempt. I wonder if my laziness is attributed to my sleep trouble? That's plausible, and it would give me a nice tidy area to place all my blame.
There. At least I solved something. Now I'm going to bed. Let's see, it's 2:41, so I'll get a good 8 hours and 4 minutes of sleep, right? Right. Goodnight.
posted by MC Harv at 1:47 AM
12 Comments:
The past seven months of my life can be summed as periods of sleep deprivation and sleep. It's not length of sleep that counts, it's regularity (i.e. always be asleep at certain times of the day). You could always try not sleeping again, that's what I did last night, and here I am, light sensitive and giddy.
Drugs are icky.
-Thomas
People who have no class on friday are douchebags. I always hated them.
I tried for years to be that normal person who sleeps 8 hours. I just ain't. I do six usually and I'm good. And I work out all the time, fuck like a fiend, and drink... all that stuff that should knock my ass out but doesn't. Oh, and I NEVER nap. If I ever nap, I'm on my deathbed, so start making arrangements.
Like this morning I was supposed to wake up at 5:45 to go work out and when did I wake up? 4:45, of course. This was after 4 beers last night, raunchy sex til midnight and supposedly being tired from lack of sleep all week (3-4 hours a night).
Have you tried Tylenol PM? Two of those was the only thing that got me through my pregnancy with Monkey. I swear to God I would have murdered someone during that horrendous time if it weren't for PM.
Well, Tom said drugs are icky, so no PM for me.
PHF, so she's only part monkey. And it comes through my genes, not his. But she IS a monkey:
-born hairy, on her ears even, still has hair on her back and is working on a unibrow.
-short and squatty
-climbs everything
-screeches like a monkey
-opposable thumbs
-long toes that can grab stuff
(but, she's awful cute. She's my monkey, after all.)
"Well, Tom said drugs are icky, so no PM for me."
That's me, anti-drug crusader.
-Thomas
I loved the part about chocolate unicorns.
The last few years I've been waking up earlier and earlier. Usually 5 am. I should just get up and read email or something, but instead I stay in bed and put in earplugs, which hardly ever help me sleep.
"Plus I don't gently drift away into slumber but rather am violently dragged, kicking and screaming, by that child-molesting sandman into Sleepy Time Villiage."
bahaha. Oh yeah and this one.
"Sleep isn't the toy you get in the cereal; it's the toy you gotta clip 6 proofs of purchase and send in with postage and shipping and handling."
Excellent work Jack. As far as sleep goes, it's totally overrated. Naps get me depressed and going to sleep at night usually requires a good 45 minutes of me humping the bed until I'm "spent" enough to actually pass out smoothly.
you guys need to get laid.
just kidding. i tried it many times - you know, in the interest of science. it doesn't work. i'm typically the one to watch tv after sex.
My constant state of sleep-deprivation (I love my job, honest) allows me to take naps frequently. My parents also gave me the best reasons to take naps when I was younger: sleep or do chores.
Besides nobody really hates sleep. As someone who's woken Jack up at noon, trust me, nobody hates sleep.
-Thomas
i hate sleep. i fight it every night by watching bad tv or writing on my stupid blog. i hate sleep.
i hate waking up too. if i never slept, i wouldn't have to wake up.
and there'd be monkey sized bugs crawling all over the walls and my kids would turn into giraffes. it'd be cool.
Shut up.
That's right, bitch. Taste my delicious wrath.
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