Glitter Pain

You know what this country needs? Another positive, heartwarming movie about an uplifting basketball coach. We haven't had very many of those, and I think it's about time this country learned, through film, that you can do anything you set your mind to. I think MTV Films should do it, too, because they always produce quality movies. Oh, and I think we need more singers who want to be actresses. Some of them could be in the movie. And then their song can be the theme and the music video can incorporate clips from the movie! Wow! I'm surprised no one has latched onto this excellent marketing strategy yet.

It would also be really nice if we had some sort of TV show where undiscovered singers can make it big, because if there's one thing this great country lacks, it's pop singers. The past twenty years has shown us a real slump in young, attractive indivudals who make lots of money by having their vocals watered down and appearing on VH1. And this show could also feature singers who overexaggerate how bad their singing voice is on national television, because, I tell ya, that certainly never gets old! And then we could give those people record contracts because they're so silly! Ha ha!

Oh, and while we're at it, where are the expose pieces in magazines about celebrities, huh? I mean, I know where Iraq is on a map and can easily explain to you how our politcal system operates, but I don't know a damn thing about the personal lives of celebrities! I am really interested in Paris Hilton, but since she's just a lowly model, actress, heiress, sex scandal participant and snobby celebutant bitch she doesn't get any press. It's sad, really. And where have Mary Kate and Ashley Olson been all this time? It's like a friggin' news drought when it comes to inconsequential celebrities! I swear, if our children don't know crucial things like who Jessica Alba is dating and what took place at Britney Spears' wedding, our nation is going to be in trouble. Uneducated youth is not something to laugh at. This is their future we're talking about.

God dammit, America needs to make some changes. We put so much importance on trivial things like tragedy overseas and literacy. What we need is more schlocky movies, god dammit! And if I don't hear a song with the words "crunk", "club" or "drop it like it's hot" soon, I'm gonna go nuts! These are the most criminally underused terms, and frankly we need to amend this. Come on, America! We can do this!