Sold Out For Jesus
My friend and I were discussing this. Just for now, forget everything you know about Jesus and Christianity. Block all knowledge on the subject from your mind. Now imagine that Christianity as a whole is in a prison setting, and that Jesus is the purveying 8-foot tall mad-dog rapist who instills order into everyone through unrelenting rules and constant rapings. You could quite easily use the same statements from born-agains in either situation.
"That's when I realized that being a good person and doing good things were not enough to get you into heaven. You need to have a close personal relationship with Jesus."
"Does the fact that you have sinned against God scare you? It should. You have actually angered Him by your sin. The Bible says his wrath abides on you, that you are an "enemy of God in your mind through wicked works."
"Let Jesus into your heart."
"I was lost; I was scared. I was suicidal. Then I became one with Jesus, and now I feel my life is whole."
"YEAH!!! JESUS!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All of these are actual quotes, by the way, taken mainly from a little low-budget shit program known as Sold Out 4 Jesus, a youth-oriented program designed to make God cool again. Skateboarding and rock concerts are apparntly what Christianity is really all about, not those boring sermons and those touchy-feely priests. You could've fooled me. All the skateboarders on SO4J say they've "sold out big time" and that they've always got their minds on Jesus, which I guess explains why they so suck so much ass at skateboarding. All the girls are airheaded and salmonella-tanned, and all the guys look like the human race would look if we had to throw up into each others asses to procreate. Everyone talks about Jesus all the time, never his teachings or why he is good or any of that malarky. Simply "Jesus". Woo. The whole concept of youth indoctrination is really culty and creepy and based solely in the labels and not the concepts. All these guys are going to be coke addicts by age 19, and all these girls are going to be knocked up by age 16. I can almost guarentee it.
But wait! Stephen Baldwin is sold out for Jesus! That fabulous actor, the Jimmy Stewart of our generation (and the next!), is part of the revolution! Oh joyest of joys! Oh happy are we to bask in the glory that is Stephen Baldwin!
How come if people love Jesus so damn much, they also love The Passion Of The Christ, a movie based around the bloody and over-dramatic flogging, beating, humiliation and eventual fatal crucifixion of him? I don't hang up posters of Joe Strummer beaten into submission and dripping blood from every square inch of his body in my room. I don't want to see Jesus covered in flesh wounds and barbs. How does that make me love him more? I don't want to let that piece of roadkill into my heart now; he's like a friggin' horror film monster!
Whatever. It's too late for me anyway. I already found out I'm going to hell. Other online tests have told me different, and you know you should always trust an online test to tell you everything about yourself, but I trust this one in particular because it's called "The Way Of The Master", and you just can't argue with that. Apparantly God is a ninja now.
This post wasn't really about anything.
P.S. I have a counter now, so boo-yah.
"That's when I realized that being a good person and doing good things were not enough to get you into heaven. You need to have a close personal relationship with Jesus."
"Does the fact that you have sinned against God scare you? It should. You have actually angered Him by your sin. The Bible says his wrath abides on you, that you are an "enemy of God in your mind through wicked works."
"Let Jesus into your heart."
"I was lost; I was scared. I was suicidal. Then I became one with Jesus, and now I feel my life is whole."
"YEAH!!! JESUS!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All of these are actual quotes, by the way, taken mainly from a little low-budget shit program known as Sold Out 4 Jesus, a youth-oriented program designed to make God cool again. Skateboarding and rock concerts are apparntly what Christianity is really all about, not those boring sermons and those touchy-feely priests. You could've fooled me. All the skateboarders on SO4J say they've "sold out big time" and that they've always got their minds on Jesus, which I guess explains why they so suck so much ass at skateboarding. All the girls are airheaded and salmonella-tanned, and all the guys look like the human race would look if we had to throw up into each others asses to procreate. Everyone talks about Jesus all the time, never his teachings or why he is good or any of that malarky. Simply "Jesus". Woo. The whole concept of youth indoctrination is really culty and creepy and based solely in the labels and not the concepts. All these guys are going to be coke addicts by age 19, and all these girls are going to be knocked up by age 16. I can almost guarentee it.
But wait! Stephen Baldwin is sold out for Jesus! That fabulous actor, the Jimmy Stewart of our generation (and the next!), is part of the revolution! Oh joyest of joys! Oh happy are we to bask in the glory that is Stephen Baldwin!
How come if people love Jesus so damn much, they also love The Passion Of The Christ, a movie based around the bloody and over-dramatic flogging, beating, humiliation and eventual fatal crucifixion of him? I don't hang up posters of Joe Strummer beaten into submission and dripping blood from every square inch of his body in my room. I don't want to see Jesus covered in flesh wounds and barbs. How does that make me love him more? I don't want to let that piece of roadkill into my heart now; he's like a friggin' horror film monster!
Whatever. It's too late for me anyway. I already found out I'm going to hell. Other online tests have told me different, and you know you should always trust an online test to tell you everything about yourself, but I trust this one in particular because it's called "The Way Of The Master", and you just can't argue with that. Apparantly God is a ninja now.
This post wasn't really about anything.
P.S. I have a counter now, so boo-yah.
posted by MC Harv at 1:15 AM
9 Comments:
Dammit! #6. I should have been first, because I'm your biggest fan, you know.
Wait a minute, I get it, you set it at 00005 so you wouldn't be the loser with a 00000 counter. Ok, whew!
Jack, going to hell is a state of mind. Seriously, I don't like Christianity and I really hate the, "but we don't do anything WRONG," bullshit that they give off.
The attempts make Christianity cool again are just as horrible and insiduous as MPR (read: done for cash and power). That's my view anyway.
I'm jealous of your counter, but only because it makes me feel ashamed about my own blog's ratings.
-Thomas
Wait, so, you don't like Christianity? Maybe it's just the earthly avatar you don't like.
I took the test, I'm going to hell. Shit, I even broke the covet and the looking with lust in my eyes rules last night in fact.
See y'all there!
HEY JACK STOP TALKING SHIT ABOUT JESUS HE IS THE SUN OF GOD DON"T YOU KNOW THIS IS A VERRY DISREPSECTUFL POST YOU ARE GOING TO HELL.
Hey, there's no reason to resort to all caps. We're all friends here.
He must be drunk. You know how people shout when they're drunk. Not me, you understand, but other drunk people.
Well... We (at least I am) attacking a very popular religion.
-Thomas
They'll get theirs. We're all going to hell, after all, and they'll be floatin' on a cloud with a beer and forty virgins... ok, now I'm getting all mixed up.
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