Life, As A Bitch, Has Manifested Itself Into My Big Toe
I've got an ingrown toenail. God damn if I don't fucking hate ingrown toenails. And since blogs are solely for the purpose of bitching to an anonymous group of cyber-individuals about the petty and trivial annoyances of the lives of people with no real problems, I think I'll go into a tirade. Alright. You know me. I love tirades. I almost wait for shitty things to happen to me so I can write about them on my web journal, because my life revolves around emoting my life on a soulless, cold information superhighway. Oh yeah.
My body is constantly fucking with me in one way or another. One day it'll be my toenail, then my stomach'll act up, or I'll have on of those evil shits that must've been formed by Satan himself, or my femur will feel strained, or part of my hand will spontaneously bleed, or I'll choke half to death on cream soda, or my neck will be stiff as a board for weeks, or somehow my hair will sprout nerve endings in the middle of getting a haircut, or something. If it's not something, it's something else. My body is honestly trying to shut me down bit by bit. The fact that I'll feel pain in the most random places makes me believe in the Calvin and Hobbes theory that inside my body are little me's running around sabotaging arbitrary sections of my body. Hardly ever am I in an in-between period where nothing hurts or is agitating, and when I am I take full advantage by sitting there and enjoying it.
And now it's my friggin' toenail. I have to cut into this fucker with a knife or something, and that's going to hurt like a bitch. It hurts like a bitch as it is. What bothers me the most about it is how fucking pointless the entire concept of "nails" is. Why does the human body need toenailsor fingernails? Why bother? I know it protects the section of skin that is extra sensitive underneath, but why is that part so sensitive? What evolutionary purpose does it serve for the ends of our fingers and toes to be like hyper-sensitive California plastic surgery bitch-hole actress types who need the constant supervision of a nail to make them secure with themselves? If we didn't have nails to begin with I wouldn't be having this problem. Granted, most of my problem's solutions involve something elaborate like going back in time to the first animal to evolve fingernails and kill them all off so that I don't have to deal with this annoyance if it never existed in the first place. Maybe the solution to my problem is dealing with it.
Ha! This is a blog! I can't deal with my problems! I have to write about them with a hint of pretention and assume there is no solution so that I'm able to continue to complain! Silly me!
Hey, on a meaningless side note, today marks the first full month this blog has been around. Let's hear it for pointless milestones, huh? Yeah.
My body is constantly fucking with me in one way or another. One day it'll be my toenail, then my stomach'll act up, or I'll have on of those evil shits that must've been formed by Satan himself, or my femur will feel strained, or part of my hand will spontaneously bleed, or I'll choke half to death on cream soda, or my neck will be stiff as a board for weeks, or somehow my hair will sprout nerve endings in the middle of getting a haircut, or something. If it's not something, it's something else. My body is honestly trying to shut me down bit by bit. The fact that I'll feel pain in the most random places makes me believe in the Calvin and Hobbes theory that inside my body are little me's running around sabotaging arbitrary sections of my body. Hardly ever am I in an in-between period where nothing hurts or is agitating, and when I am I take full advantage by sitting there and enjoying it.
And now it's my friggin' toenail. I have to cut into this fucker with a knife or something, and that's going to hurt like a bitch. It hurts like a bitch as it is. What bothers me the most about it is how fucking pointless the entire concept of "nails" is. Why does the human body need toenailsor fingernails? Why bother? I know it protects the section of skin that is extra sensitive underneath, but why is that part so sensitive? What evolutionary purpose does it serve for the ends of our fingers and toes to be like hyper-sensitive California plastic surgery bitch-hole actress types who need the constant supervision of a nail to make them secure with themselves? If we didn't have nails to begin with I wouldn't be having this problem. Granted, most of my problem's solutions involve something elaborate like going back in time to the first animal to evolve fingernails and kill them all off so that I don't have to deal with this annoyance if it never existed in the first place. Maybe the solution to my problem is dealing with it.
Ha! This is a blog! I can't deal with my problems! I have to write about them with a hint of pretention and assume there is no solution so that I'm able to continue to complain! Silly me!
Hey, on a meaningless side note, today marks the first full month this blog has been around. Let's hear it for pointless milestones, huh? Yeah.
posted by MC Harv at 1:56 PM
4 Comments:
http://www.foottalk.com/ingnails.htm may help ether that or http://www.epodiatry.com/ingrown_nails.htm would work to (it's got podiatry in the name!).
Basically you sock your foot, cut away the chunk of skin - pry it up by leveraging on the under-side of the nail (your choice from those yummy options) - and then clip the exposed nail, yay!
Nails are good for protecting the sensitive nerve endings in the tips of you finger and provide a firm backbone to provide strength at the tip of your finger, which makes them better for minute grasping of things like guitar picks or other thin objects.
Happy a month of bitching!
-Thomas
You know, you just hit a new height (or low?!) in petty bitching. As you well know, that's a quality I admire.
Here's to at least another month of whining. Cheers.
Congratulations on your one-month anniversary of your blog. You have passed the Roosta's test. You are free to run among the wild now.
Orthotics sure help your make feel better! They always provide better support so your toes aren't all bent up!
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