Why Anna Nicole Was Out Of It
Alcohol.
I apologize for my lack of posts lately, but it's not my fault. Seriously. Blogger decided every time I'd type anything, even comments, that'd it'd be all like "Nuh uh, bitch" and slap me around a little bit to show me who's boss. I typed a couple of big old posts that got fucked and set aside like so many college girls with low self esteems and high blood alcohol levels. I wasn't as enamored by them as the others that have been lost that I bothered to rewrite, so you'll never read 'em. They weren't that great. Maybe one day they'll become "The Lost Blogs" and everyone will be searching desperately for them, treating them over-nostalgically as "teh best thing evr, d00d", despite their obvious mediocrity. Well, good luck, fools. They're lost forever, because I ain't never typin' 'em again. They weren't that great; I just felt like I had to post something because it had been a while. I haven't been that inspired to write anything. Perhaps because I haven't been as bored lately. Boredom has been my main source of ideas, but I'm leaving for home soon, so I've been busy, dammit. I didn't have the patience to give a fuck when my giant post decided not to get counted because the friggin' internet and the friggin' conspiratorial right-wing evil icy black hand running Blogger are evil and feel the need to flaunt their power by pissing on my face, metaphorically.
But back to that whore Anna Nicole, she is what's wrong with America. She oughta be on the dollar bill, she's so American. The little toolbar thing on my Hotmail account pummels me with the unimportant news of the week whenever I check my mail, and in the past it has helped me get the hottest hair of the season and informed me of 25 ways to make my baby smarter. All news on pop-ups and toolbars is vitally important to my well-being as a human being and, more importantly, as an American. Because these colors don't run, baby. But even all-American, gun-toting, fag-hating, confederate-flag waving, cowboy-hat-wearing me has to draw limits. I don't give a shit about Anna Nicole Smith. No one should. Ever. Obviously no one actually thinks she is a worthwhile person and deserves the air she breathes and food she envelopes. If they do, they should be shot in the face with an crossbow. Make that two. But the reason she's so popular is because people love to hate her. I can see this, but come on people. Realize the consequences of your actions. If you watch the Anna Nicole show because you want to say to yourself "God, I HATE her", you're only supporting her and her symbolism of what is wrong with America. She is a drunken blonde fat whorish goldigging fuck who is unattractive in every way possible, and she's on those fucking diet pill commercials. What more need I say? She is wrong, conceptually, because people like her. If you watch the show to hate her, stop because it is really you disguising the fact that you actually like her from yourself, and you shouldn't like her. Cut it out. Supporting her in any way is supporting American's love for fat ugly rich whores, which we need to put an end to. I'm doing enough harm by even acknowledging her existance, but I shouldn't have to be told by some dumb-ass faux news celebrity ass-kissing toolbar that she did something at some event, because NO ONE SHOULD GIVE A SHIT. Stop caring. Hell, stop reading this, even, because this post implies that you should notice Anna Nicole's various fuck-ups and hate her for them. Hate her for who she is, and pay no more mind. Also, don't pay attention to the Olsen Twins. No one seemed to care about them until they became coked-out kiddie porn queens, and now they're on the cover of every other fucking magazine in the grocery aisle. I find it hard to believe so many people were fans of "How The West Was Fun". They don't deserve your attention; no one deserves your attention. Stop buying into that shit. Fuck celebrities. Who gives a fuck what any of them do? You add to the bullshit these splotch-headed numbnodes persnality complexes by giving them reasons to get inflated egos. When the headline "50 killed in raid in Iraq" gets shoved in the corner in favor for "Ashlee Simpson: Did she lip synch her shitty song instead of singing it shittily???!?" Please. Everyone knows everyone lip synchs all their songs. That's on some fuckin' Milli Vanilli shit. We've been through this before: Popsingers suck at everything. We don't need the cover of some dumbass rag magazine informing us that Jessica Simpson and her boyfriend are having marital troubles, despite both being culturally irrelevant for their entire careers. I pick Anna Nicole specifically because she has no talent, and by no talent I don't mean in the no-talent-but everyone-still-perceives-that-they-do Jessica Simpson kind of talent. I mean literally she has no talent, not even a talent that can be faked. She just gets drunk in front of a camera. I can do that. I do do that. But I don't get payed or glorified for it. And no one should. I know it's the American way to be obnoxious and loud and fat and rich, but, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Fuck America.
And if this post gets lost I will kick all your asses.
I apologize for my lack of posts lately, but it's not my fault. Seriously. Blogger decided every time I'd type anything, even comments, that'd it'd be all like "Nuh uh, bitch" and slap me around a little bit to show me who's boss. I typed a couple of big old posts that got fucked and set aside like so many college girls with low self esteems and high blood alcohol levels. I wasn't as enamored by them as the others that have been lost that I bothered to rewrite, so you'll never read 'em. They weren't that great. Maybe one day they'll become "The Lost Blogs" and everyone will be searching desperately for them, treating them over-nostalgically as "teh best thing evr, d00d", despite their obvious mediocrity. Well, good luck, fools. They're lost forever, because I ain't never typin' 'em again. They weren't that great; I just felt like I had to post something because it had been a while. I haven't been that inspired to write anything. Perhaps because I haven't been as bored lately. Boredom has been my main source of ideas, but I'm leaving for home soon, so I've been busy, dammit. I didn't have the patience to give a fuck when my giant post decided not to get counted because the friggin' internet and the friggin' conspiratorial right-wing evil icy black hand running Blogger are evil and feel the need to flaunt their power by pissing on my face, metaphorically.
But back to that whore Anna Nicole, she is what's wrong with America. She oughta be on the dollar bill, she's so American. The little toolbar thing on my Hotmail account pummels me with the unimportant news of the week whenever I check my mail, and in the past it has helped me get the hottest hair of the season and informed me of 25 ways to make my baby smarter. All news on pop-ups and toolbars is vitally important to my well-being as a human being and, more importantly, as an American. Because these colors don't run, baby. But even all-American, gun-toting, fag-hating, confederate-flag waving, cowboy-hat-wearing me has to draw limits. I don't give a shit about Anna Nicole Smith. No one should. Ever. Obviously no one actually thinks she is a worthwhile person and deserves the air she breathes and food she envelopes. If they do, they should be shot in the face with an crossbow. Make that two. But the reason she's so popular is because people love to hate her. I can see this, but come on people. Realize the consequences of your actions. If you watch the Anna Nicole show because you want to say to yourself "God, I HATE her", you're only supporting her and her symbolism of what is wrong with America. She is a drunken blonde fat whorish goldigging fuck who is unattractive in every way possible, and she's on those fucking diet pill commercials. What more need I say? She is wrong, conceptually, because people like her. If you watch the show to hate her, stop because it is really you disguising the fact that you actually like her from yourself, and you shouldn't like her. Cut it out. Supporting her in any way is supporting American's love for fat ugly rich whores, which we need to put an end to. I'm doing enough harm by even acknowledging her existance, but I shouldn't have to be told by some dumb-ass faux news celebrity ass-kissing toolbar that she did something at some event, because NO ONE SHOULD GIVE A SHIT. Stop caring. Hell, stop reading this, even, because this post implies that you should notice Anna Nicole's various fuck-ups and hate her for them. Hate her for who she is, and pay no more mind. Also, don't pay attention to the Olsen Twins. No one seemed to care about them until they became coked-out kiddie porn queens, and now they're on the cover of every other fucking magazine in the grocery aisle. I find it hard to believe so many people were fans of "How The West Was Fun". They don't deserve your attention; no one deserves your attention. Stop buying into that shit. Fuck celebrities. Who gives a fuck what any of them do? You add to the bullshit these splotch-headed numbnodes persnality complexes by giving them reasons to get inflated egos. When the headline "50 killed in raid in Iraq" gets shoved in the corner in favor for "Ashlee Simpson: Did she lip synch her shitty song instead of singing it shittily???!?" Please. Everyone knows everyone lip synchs all their songs. That's on some fuckin' Milli Vanilli shit. We've been through this before: Popsingers suck at everything. We don't need the cover of some dumbass rag magazine informing us that Jessica Simpson and her boyfriend are having marital troubles, despite both being culturally irrelevant for their entire careers. I pick Anna Nicole specifically because she has no talent, and by no talent I don't mean in the no-talent-but everyone-still-perceives-that-they-do Jessica Simpson kind of talent. I mean literally she has no talent, not even a talent that can be faked. She just gets drunk in front of a camera. I can do that. I do do that. But I don't get payed or glorified for it. And no one should. I know it's the American way to be obnoxious and loud and fat and rich, but, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Fuck America.
And if this post gets lost I will kick all your asses.
posted by MC Harv at 9:14 PM
2 Comments:
I think your biggest complaint is about celebrities who have no reason to be (Hilton, who?). I mean, if Tom Jenkinson did some charity event it'd be awesome, but it wouldn't be if was the daughter of some macaroni maker CEO.
-Thomas
I love it when you save up for a rant. It makes it that much better. cheers
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