Oh, You Mean Kick
You want to know what a horrid, gut-wrenching job is? Throwing away ice cream. It's like watching twenty of your best friends get killed in traffic, and then dragging the corpses one by one into the sewer. Or something. i don't know; I've never actually had to do that before. Maybe I should refrain from making analogies to things I know nothing about, but throwing away ice cream did suck. The power went out at the gas station for 27 hours, so all the ice cream went bad and melted, along with the milk and sandwhiches and shit. Besides being horrendous to have to throw all that delicious ice cream away, it's also fucking messy and gross. Like the corpses. So there.
Yeah, well. Anyways, that's not what this post is about. Oh no. You're in for a treat, and not an ice creamy treat, because it conjurs up bad mojo now.
My shit disappeared. I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but I took a phantom shit today. There I was, in the gas station bathroom with the lights off due to the power outage, taking a shit. Upon completion, I turn around with the flashlight to take a look-see, you know, to make sure everything's square. But everything was most definitely not square, and I couldn't tell what other shape it would be, because there was nothing there. I felt it come out, and I heard the defining "plop", yet no result. To say the least, this frightened me. I figured I was sitting on the Bermuda Triangle, or that one of those holes from Sliders had appeared underneath my ass. Maybe the little fellah fell into the drain. I'm no physicist, but the physics of this happening seem unlikely.
Now, those who know me know that I am a poo connoisseur. Not by choice, but by birth. Name a shit syndrome and I've probably experienced it. I've had farts, sharts, bombasts, the machine gun, Montezuma's revenge, revenge of Montezuma's revenge, diarreha, anal piss, chunk-style, the proverbial baseball, Achy-Breaky-Fart, the slam dunk, cannonballs, whole pieces of carrot emerging, the pancake batter, the Kieth Richards Surprise, Ass Hiroshima, moody, presumptious, disagreeable, the marathon, the sprint, over-the-bowlisms, petrification, the Squeegee, the two-fer, the mood-ring, the Stealth Assassin, the ol' over-the-river-and-through-the-woods-to-grandmothers-house-we-go, malted-milk balls, St. Patty's Day Surprise, anal menstruation, the Howie Long, the wood chipper, the chamelion, fried rice, tapioca, chow mein, the assneurism, the thorny toad, and the ever elusive rattlesnake-caught-in-an-updraft. (I've thankfully never had a pink sock, but I'll bet anything that's how I die.) I am like the Shaft of shit, muthafucka. But never have I had one escape on me. Does this happen? Am I alone on this? Or am I imagining things? I don't know about you, but I'm very scared.
Oh, and fuck the word "Carbys".
Yeah, well. Anyways, that's not what this post is about. Oh no. You're in for a treat, and not an ice creamy treat, because it conjurs up bad mojo now.
My shit disappeared. I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but I took a phantom shit today. There I was, in the gas station bathroom with the lights off due to the power outage, taking a shit. Upon completion, I turn around with the flashlight to take a look-see, you know, to make sure everything's square. But everything was most definitely not square, and I couldn't tell what other shape it would be, because there was nothing there. I felt it come out, and I heard the defining "plop", yet no result. To say the least, this frightened me. I figured I was sitting on the Bermuda Triangle, or that one of those holes from Sliders had appeared underneath my ass. Maybe the little fellah fell into the drain. I'm no physicist, but the physics of this happening seem unlikely.
Now, those who know me know that I am a poo connoisseur. Not by choice, but by birth. Name a shit syndrome and I've probably experienced it. I've had farts, sharts, bombasts, the machine gun, Montezuma's revenge, revenge of Montezuma's revenge, diarreha, anal piss, chunk-style, the proverbial baseball, Achy-Breaky-Fart, the slam dunk, cannonballs, whole pieces of carrot emerging, the pancake batter, the Kieth Richards Surprise, Ass Hiroshima, moody, presumptious, disagreeable, the marathon, the sprint, over-the-bowlisms, petrification, the Squeegee, the two-fer, the mood-ring, the Stealth Assassin, the ol' over-the-river-and-through-the-woods-to-grandmothers-house-we-go, malted-milk balls, St. Patty's Day Surprise, anal menstruation, the Howie Long, the wood chipper, the chamelion, fried rice, tapioca, chow mein, the assneurism, the thorny toad, and the ever elusive rattlesnake-caught-in-an-updraft. (I've thankfully never had a pink sock, but I'll bet anything that's how I die.) I am like the Shaft of shit, muthafucka. But never have I had one escape on me. Does this happen? Am I alone on this? Or am I imagining things? I don't know about you, but I'm very scared.
Oh, and fuck the word "Carbys".
posted by MC Harv at 9:52 PM
4 Comments:
Yet another thing we have in common. I knew we were soul mates!!
Yeah, sometimes they do swim away before you get a good look. Shy little buggers. Try M&Ms. I don't know why, but they'll make you feel better.
As for all the rest... you're a sick, sick man. But I love you anyway.
It may have just rolled down the pipe. If youse shats was dense enough, it may have sunk under the toilet lip and gone partway into the pipes.
Either that or you have mastered the art of the stealth shit by accident and the army will kill you.
I feel sorry for you and the ice cream.
-Thomas
now im pretty sure you ordinarily would be hauled off to tha loonyhouse except for one thing, you didn't say that you rolled it into little balls and tossed em up to stick on tha ceiling. so i guess that lets you off tha loony hook.
thats some funny shit, figuratively and literally. oh yeah it was aboot shit doh
i was listnin to led zep on winamp doin "when the levee breaks"
while i was reading that, how appropriate!
Hey Jack! Great post on Oh, You Mean Kick. I have a site about Cool Koolaid, do you want to trade links?
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