My Mother Didn't Hug Me When I Was Young
"Come here and sit on my lap."
"Why, so you can hide your boner?"
"No, so I can make it there."
Wow, I can be slightly clever while drunk. Not bad. Granted I can also be very obnoxious, very irritating, very vomitous, and, above all, very horny. God damn. I apologize to everyone I hit on last night, everyone who had to put up with my loud appraisals of sexually attractive women, anyone who cleaned up my vomit, everyone who heard my rantings on why God is a dick, and whatever else I did that I'd rather not try to remember. Oh well. I guess it's good for the soul to get that wasted every now and then. But it sure as hell aint good for my suit. I lost my friggin' suit coat at a Holiday station store while angrily taking a shit in their bathroom at 7:00 in the morning. I liked that suit coat. I looked hot. After last night, I have a resolve not to drink again, which obviously will be lifted as soon as I get back to school, so you may get to hear of my further embarrassing adventures.
And don't let this tidbit fool you into thinking that I've been a non-stop party animal this past week and that's what's been preventing me from posting. No, I've mainly been really lame and sitting around. I never really had anything in particular to write. But there have been a few things on my mind since then, so here goes:
- How come certain cigarette brands have lesser Surgeon General warnings on them? Camel is able to get away with "May contain traces of Carbon Monoxide" and Marlboro only says "May cause complications in pregnancy" whereas Winstons have to say "This product is known to cause emphysema, lung cancer, birth defects, and contains traces of several hazardous chemicals". If you could pick to have a single warning rather than a laundry list, why wouldn't you? Most people are idiots and will think "Carbon Monoxide" is another term for "Unadulterated Awesome". Many people, men especially, are not pregnant. They'll figure cigarettes' only downside is having a retard baby, which they'd probably end up having anyway, and won't pay it no mind. I'll bet the cigarette companies pay off the Surgeon General in order to get the primo warning labels. On another note, what exactly does the Surgeon General do other than tell companies that they have to inform people that they suck? I'm sure he's just a glorified fortune cookie writer who sits back and rolls in the checks. Bastard.
- I usually don't make definitive statements about movies I don't like, but I'm willing to make an exception because I'm even more offended by this movie than by Polar Express: Everyone who even thinks of seeing the movie Racing Stripes is going to the deepest circle of hell where they will be raped in the ass by porcupines till the end of eternity. Racing Stripes is the devil. It's the worst in the way of Hollywood schlock with its god damned celebrity voiceovers and churned-out believe-in-yourself chase-your-dreams be-a-zebra script that has been floating around stuffy board-rooms since the dawn of time. Snoop Dogg... playing the voice of an actual dog??? That's so fucking clever, only some constipated 400 pound Hollywood exec who cheats on his plastic-surgery-addled wife could've come up with that! I really hate the concept of whatever it actors are out there at the time doing the voice of CGI farm animals. David Spade needs to be shot in the face with a rifle. As soon as I saw the intro to the preview for the first time, I said to myself "Whatever this is going to be, it'll be awful". And, as always, I was right, but it went six steps beyond being the worst movie ever made because of David Spade freestyling while playing the voice of a fly (Those wacky supporting characters! They're so wacky!) when it introduced the premise of the movie: A zebra wants to race, but there are people in the way trying to stop it. Luckily, Frankie Muniz is the voice, which can only mean that somehow, someway, this little guy will be able to follow his dreams, and maybe even learn a little something along the way. This is the kind of bullshit they try to pour down children's throats nowadays, which is really sad, because it will produce an entire generation of fuck-ups. It's depressing to see The Incredibles because it is so good and all other children's movies are so bad. I don't want to be around when the effects of Racing Stripes destroy our Mother Earth. Set fire to every last copy of this film right now or the sky will surely open up and the horsemen shall come from above to skewer us all with sickles.
- The OC just came out on DVD. If you say OC DVD quickly, it sounds like OCD and VD, both of which are diseases. Coincidence? Probably.
- This tsunami shit totally sucks. Hundreds of thousands of people are dead, and that's depressing. On top of that, those who live will have to deal with mass amounts of corpses, lack of any homes or property, and an insane devastation to their lives and families. Thank God the good old U.S. of A. is taking time away from its busy schedule of killing people in other countries to give a teensy bit of money in aid! I'll bet the survivors all get little care packages dropped from planes. Hey, is that a chocolate bar in there? Way to go! It really sucks that this little happy bit of news is tacked on to all the other fucked up shit going on in the world, but we don't have anyone to blame and yell at. This was a natural disaster. I'm used to things being the fault of a person or an institution an being able to think that if they were all assassinated the problems of the world would go away. but in this case I have no one in particular to hate, which means I can only hate the entire world, which I've doing for quite some time anyway. I was kind of hoping to have some positive things happen for once, but so long to that idea. Fuck the world.
- I saw someone with a "Jeb Bush 2008" bumper sticker on their Hummer. This fucking pisses me off to no end. This means, not only did these people not pay attention to all the fucked up shit Bush pulled in the last four years, no matter what he does in the next these closed-minded numb-nodes will attempt to continue the horrid dynasty again. People really are fucking idiots. It's amazing. Those three words on that bumper sticker represent generations of ignorance and stupidity for years to come. These people will never listen to reason, nor will they ever even think of changing their thoughts or actions. Pricks.
- Someone should invent Grab-'N-Go pea pods. I love pea pods and could totally see eating them as a snack. Seriously, make a healthy alternative to chips an shit available to kids, and with the right marketing and the proper anthropomorphic cartoon pea pod, they could be the next Pringles. Then maybe all these dumpy fat-ass children our nation is so fond of producing will be phased out and everyone will be attractive again. Because that's really all that matters anyway. Plus the Grab-'N-Go concept is very "in" today. Milk containers and other liquid receptacles have added grooves in the bottle to allow you to be able to hold their product. I tell you, drinks were so much more difficult to hold before these genius volume-reducing notches wormed their way onto my favorite beverage. It was literally impossible to grab anything in the world before Grab-'N-Go, and you couldn't even consider taking the product anywhere. Lord no. Everything had to be enjoyed alone in a chair with the palm of your hand placed precariously at the bottom. Life was hard, man.
I think that's all I have in me for now. I return to college soon, so I'll have lots more time to post and will probably go back to my desperate and whiny every-day posting schedule, because I'll be alone and sad. Boo hoo.
"Why, so you can hide your boner?"
"No, so I can make it there."
Wow, I can be slightly clever while drunk. Not bad. Granted I can also be very obnoxious, very irritating, very vomitous, and, above all, very horny. God damn. I apologize to everyone I hit on last night, everyone who had to put up with my loud appraisals of sexually attractive women, anyone who cleaned up my vomit, everyone who heard my rantings on why God is a dick, and whatever else I did that I'd rather not try to remember. Oh well. I guess it's good for the soul to get that wasted every now and then. But it sure as hell aint good for my suit. I lost my friggin' suit coat at a Holiday station store while angrily taking a shit in their bathroom at 7:00 in the morning. I liked that suit coat. I looked hot. After last night, I have a resolve not to drink again, which obviously will be lifted as soon as I get back to school, so you may get to hear of my further embarrassing adventures.
And don't let this tidbit fool you into thinking that I've been a non-stop party animal this past week and that's what's been preventing me from posting. No, I've mainly been really lame and sitting around. I never really had anything in particular to write. But there have been a few things on my mind since then, so here goes:
- How come certain cigarette brands have lesser Surgeon General warnings on them? Camel is able to get away with "May contain traces of Carbon Monoxide" and Marlboro only says "May cause complications in pregnancy" whereas Winstons have to say "This product is known to cause emphysema, lung cancer, birth defects, and contains traces of several hazardous chemicals". If you could pick to have a single warning rather than a laundry list, why wouldn't you? Most people are idiots and will think "Carbon Monoxide" is another term for "Unadulterated Awesome". Many people, men especially, are not pregnant. They'll figure cigarettes' only downside is having a retard baby, which they'd probably end up having anyway, and won't pay it no mind. I'll bet the cigarette companies pay off the Surgeon General in order to get the primo warning labels. On another note, what exactly does the Surgeon General do other than tell companies that they have to inform people that they suck? I'm sure he's just a glorified fortune cookie writer who sits back and rolls in the checks. Bastard.
- I usually don't make definitive statements about movies I don't like, but I'm willing to make an exception because I'm even more offended by this movie than by Polar Express: Everyone who even thinks of seeing the movie Racing Stripes is going to the deepest circle of hell where they will be raped in the ass by porcupines till the end of eternity. Racing Stripes is the devil. It's the worst in the way of Hollywood schlock with its god damned celebrity voiceovers and churned-out believe-in-yourself chase-your-dreams be-a-zebra script that has been floating around stuffy board-rooms since the dawn of time. Snoop Dogg... playing the voice of an actual dog??? That's so fucking clever, only some constipated 400 pound Hollywood exec who cheats on his plastic-surgery-addled wife could've come up with that! I really hate the concept of whatever it actors are out there at the time doing the voice of CGI farm animals. David Spade needs to be shot in the face with a rifle. As soon as I saw the intro to the preview for the first time, I said to myself "Whatever this is going to be, it'll be awful". And, as always, I was right, but it went six steps beyond being the worst movie ever made because of David Spade freestyling while playing the voice of a fly (Those wacky supporting characters! They're so wacky!) when it introduced the premise of the movie: A zebra wants to race, but there are people in the way trying to stop it. Luckily, Frankie Muniz is the voice, which can only mean that somehow, someway, this little guy will be able to follow his dreams, and maybe even learn a little something along the way. This is the kind of bullshit they try to pour down children's throats nowadays, which is really sad, because it will produce an entire generation of fuck-ups. It's depressing to see The Incredibles because it is so good and all other children's movies are so bad. I don't want to be around when the effects of Racing Stripes destroy our Mother Earth. Set fire to every last copy of this film right now or the sky will surely open up and the horsemen shall come from above to skewer us all with sickles.
- The OC just came out on DVD. If you say OC DVD quickly, it sounds like OCD and VD, both of which are diseases. Coincidence? Probably.
- This tsunami shit totally sucks. Hundreds of thousands of people are dead, and that's depressing. On top of that, those who live will have to deal with mass amounts of corpses, lack of any homes or property, and an insane devastation to their lives and families. Thank God the good old U.S. of A. is taking time away from its busy schedule of killing people in other countries to give a teensy bit of money in aid! I'll bet the survivors all get little care packages dropped from planes. Hey, is that a chocolate bar in there? Way to go! It really sucks that this little happy bit of news is tacked on to all the other fucked up shit going on in the world, but we don't have anyone to blame and yell at. This was a natural disaster. I'm used to things being the fault of a person or an institution an being able to think that if they were all assassinated the problems of the world would go away. but in this case I have no one in particular to hate, which means I can only hate the entire world, which I've doing for quite some time anyway. I was kind of hoping to have some positive things happen for once, but so long to that idea. Fuck the world.
- I saw someone with a "Jeb Bush 2008" bumper sticker on their Hummer. This fucking pisses me off to no end. This means, not only did these people not pay attention to all the fucked up shit Bush pulled in the last four years, no matter what he does in the next these closed-minded numb-nodes will attempt to continue the horrid dynasty again. People really are fucking idiots. It's amazing. Those three words on that bumper sticker represent generations of ignorance and stupidity for years to come. These people will never listen to reason, nor will they ever even think of changing their thoughts or actions. Pricks.
- Someone should invent Grab-'N-Go pea pods. I love pea pods and could totally see eating them as a snack. Seriously, make a healthy alternative to chips an shit available to kids, and with the right marketing and the proper anthropomorphic cartoon pea pod, they could be the next Pringles. Then maybe all these dumpy fat-ass children our nation is so fond of producing will be phased out and everyone will be attractive again. Because that's really all that matters anyway. Plus the Grab-'N-Go concept is very "in" today. Milk containers and other liquid receptacles have added grooves in the bottle to allow you to be able to hold their product. I tell you, drinks were so much more difficult to hold before these genius volume-reducing notches wormed their way onto my favorite beverage. It was literally impossible to grab anything in the world before Grab-'N-Go, and you couldn't even consider taking the product anywhere. Lord no. Everything had to be enjoyed alone in a chair with the palm of your hand placed precariously at the bottom. Life was hard, man.
I think that's all I have in me for now. I return to college soon, so I'll have lots more time to post and will probably go back to my desperate and whiny every-day posting schedule, because I'll be alone and sad. Boo hoo.
posted by MC Harv at 11:17 PM
2 Comments:
Post that on my husband's blog, free business ideas.
Happy New Year, Jackster. Thanks for the ??s. You know if I were able to sex up anybody besides PHF I'd be on the next flight to Chicago.
Yay! Christmas colors! Joy to the world!
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