There's A Pun In Here Somewhere, I Just Know It
Oh boy! I remembered another thing I hate! That means I get to post something in my spiteful bitter blog! Joy!
I hate oxymorons! Yes sir! I guess not oxymorons so much as their misuse. I honestly cannot remember the last actual oxymoron I heard.
- "Compassionate conservative is an oxymoron!"
Well, technically, no it isn't. You god damned liberal hippys think you're so freakin' clever, don't you?
- "Microsoft Works"
Again, somebody's got a case of the "I think I'm so fucking funny!"s.
- "Awfully Nice"
That's not an oxymoron at all. "Aweful" means simply that it inspires awe. If you're in awe of someones niceness, then by definition it is "awfully nice", because awful doesn't mean strictly bad, you dumb cunts.
- "Pretty Ugly"
God damn, does anybody realize that words have more than one meaning? If the person were being referred to as being both pretty and ugly, sure, that's an oxymoron. But "pretty" in this sense just means very. Now go away.
- "Soft Porn"
Does "Porn" mean "Hard"? No. Go fuck yourselves.
- "Jumbo Shrimp"
I think this one gets me the most. It's the one used most often. When oxymorons are mentioned, people immedietly refer to "Oh, you mean like 'Jumbo Shrimp'". No, you fools! The reason the word "shrimp" is associated with small is because the animalia shrimp are small. Therefore, it is possible to have Jumbo Shrimp; they are simply bigger shrimp than usual. Simply because the norm for shrimp is to be small and that is where there the term originated does NOT MOTHER FUCKING MEAN THAT JUMBO SHRIMP IS AN IMPOSSIBILITY!!! AARGH!!!!
An oxymoron is defined as a "rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined". This does not mean that, because teachers are typically unpaid or that some people in the army ain't got all they marbles in they bag, the terms "wealthy professor" or "military intelligence" are oxymorons. It is not contradictory or incongruous for Microsoft to work; you just like to tell yourself it is because you think you're god damned hilarious. Not you, specifically, dear reader. I refer of course to the Common Man, the Everyman, Average Joe, and the like.
I think the worst I've ever heard was a teacher talking about her organizational skills. "I'm so disorganized; it's an oxymoron that I'm a teacher." What?!? What the hell does that mean? That doesn't make a lick of sense! I could very easily make a tired and overdone joke here, but I like to think that I'm better than that. So I'm not going to.
Grr.
I hate oxymorons! Yes sir! I guess not oxymorons so much as their misuse. I honestly cannot remember the last actual oxymoron I heard.
- "Compassionate conservative is an oxymoron!"
Well, technically, no it isn't. You god damned liberal hippys think you're so freakin' clever, don't you?
- "Microsoft Works"
Again, somebody's got a case of the "I think I'm so fucking funny!"s.
- "Awfully Nice"
That's not an oxymoron at all. "Aweful" means simply that it inspires awe. If you're in awe of someones niceness, then by definition it is "awfully nice", because awful doesn't mean strictly bad, you dumb cunts.
- "Pretty Ugly"
God damn, does anybody realize that words have more than one meaning? If the person were being referred to as being both pretty and ugly, sure, that's an oxymoron. But "pretty" in this sense just means very. Now go away.
- "Soft Porn"
Does "Porn" mean "Hard"? No. Go fuck yourselves.
- "Jumbo Shrimp"
I think this one gets me the most. It's the one used most often. When oxymorons are mentioned, people immedietly refer to "Oh, you mean like 'Jumbo Shrimp'". No, you fools! The reason the word "shrimp" is associated with small is because the animalia shrimp are small. Therefore, it is possible to have Jumbo Shrimp; they are simply bigger shrimp than usual. Simply because the norm for shrimp is to be small and that is where there the term originated does NOT MOTHER FUCKING MEAN THAT JUMBO SHRIMP IS AN IMPOSSIBILITY!!! AARGH!!!!
An oxymoron is defined as a "rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined". This does not mean that, because teachers are typically unpaid or that some people in the army ain't got all they marbles in they bag, the terms "wealthy professor" or "military intelligence" are oxymorons. It is not contradictory or incongruous for Microsoft to work; you just like to tell yourself it is because you think you're god damned hilarious. Not you, specifically, dear reader. I refer of course to the Common Man, the Everyman, Average Joe, and the like.
I think the worst I've ever heard was a teacher talking about her organizational skills. "I'm so disorganized; it's an oxymoron that I'm a teacher." What?!? What the hell does that mean? That doesn't make a lick of sense! I could very easily make a tired and overdone joke here, but I like to think that I'm better than that. So I'm not going to.
Grr.
posted by MC Harv at 7:55 PM
8 Comments:
You're so goshdarn cute when you rant. But then, I've never seen you any other way. I'd think of a clever anti-oxymoron but I've had too much whiskey. You neglected to mention that the literal roots of oxy-moron is an oxymoron, however; oxy meaning sharp, moron, or moros meaning dull. (Yeah, dictionary.com.)
Damn, girl. You're getting me all hot now.
I know how to turn a sex god on.
Well, I was going to give an, "amen, brother," but now I have to get Jack as a sex god scrubbed from my brain.
-Thomas
I do what I can to nurse these little egos you guys all have.
That was, perhaps, the best retort possible. This has made my day.
-Thomas
Shit, just the name Jack is hot enough for me. I loooove that name. Think of saying it when you're having sex: "Jack, Jack, yes, JAAACK!" I'm just sayin', is all.
How's *that* for a nightmarish image??
Where the hell is ole Jackie, btw?
Heh heh, I might have to use that.
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