Getting Hit By Bulls
Ah, board wars. Ever chance upon an online message board and read a board war? They're fabulous. I absolutely love them. Basically, for those of you who have actual lives, a board war is when people online go into a message board of some nature and attack another message board member. The appeal is the anonymity, and the fact that a scrawny 15 year old pasty virgin can feel like a big man by saying "fagit" to someone they've never met. Someone will get angry at someone for posting something they find unpleasant and will begin the war by responding to their post with something along the lines of "shut up, coklicker", and then all hell breaks loose. Whatever the original topic was is hereby lost forever and the new topic is who's on whose side. There's always the people who chime in now and then and say both sides are "fukin fagits" and basically say both sides are assholes. Lots of naughty and politically incorrect language is incorporated, and, from an observers point of view, all those involved come off as juvinile pricks. But you dare not post on the board that everyone there is a juvinile prick, because by doing so you immedietly become one of them. The best thing to do is just sit back, read them, and realize how fucked up everyone on the internet is. Here are a few of my favorites:
- Excerpt from "Alright Coke-man You Want Tron You Got Him" or "Caspar Wars Aftermath" on IMDB.com's Freddy Vs. Jason message board:
"With that last post Tron your idiot rating goes from a 14 to 17.3. Try and make some sense. But anyway I came with a new idea…I call it the Tronathon show!
Episode 1) puberty hurts 8:00pm Trons house, his mommy knocks on the door
(Trons mum) Tron your baths run..
(Tron) (nervously) don’t come in my room mom, I am doing stuff!
(Trons mum) it better your homework, because I don’t want to have to offer myself to your teacher again in a bid to stop him failing your dumbass!
(Tron) it is mom…honest.
The next day… (Trons family are eating breakfast in the dining room, Tron comes downstairs_
(Tron) err…mom?
(Trons mum) what the hell do you want!?
(Tron) I…had an accident…
(Trons mum) what kind of accident?
(Tron and his mum go upstairs and into Trons room, to find a patch of the mysterious in Trons bed)
(Tron mum) What the f uck is this? You little *beep*
(Tron) im sorry mom…don’t beat me again…please!! Will Trons mom beat him? Did he actually do his homework? Will he forever be a pathetic loser?...Tune in next time folks! "
Notice the clever use of "f uck" to avoid having the ever-important curse word be censored? Wow. Color me impressed. I have no idea what any of this means, but I really like the fact that whomever wrote this took this much time and seemed to really care deeply about mocking someone named "Tron", who, in my book, needs no outside mockery. His name is fucking Tron.
- Excerpt from "fastest time beating Halo2" from Halo 2 message board:
"don't be so ridiculousy stupid, u and i and everyone on this forum knows that u did not complete all modes in just one hour, even if u r joking go away and never come back.
p.s. ur ignorant"
I love it when people with a painful amount of typographical errors call others "ignorant". I also love the "even if u r joking go away and never come back". No joking around when it comes to making a virtual man kill virtual aliens on a television as your gut gets larger. This is serious shit and this attitude shall not be tolerated.
Message boards are a great way for lame nerds to get out their inner asshole to other assholes without having to express their deep-seated anger to people that could actually beat the shit out of them. It's also a great opportunity to learn new vocabulary: For instance, did you know that "gay" means "bad"? Or that a "pussy" means both a vagina and a person with insecurity and self-esteem issues? Or... well, I guess that's it. That's really the only vocabulary used at all. But I also learned that if you want to get your point across better, CAPS LOCK IS THE WAY TO GO. Also, incorporate many exclamation points, to accentuate the passion you feel about your statement. Be sure to add a number one on the end, you know, for posterity. Smilies are always accepted; in fact, more so than actual words. However, text smilies just don't cut it in todays modern world. You need to download some from some site so that you make a smily face shoot something or give the screen the finger or have sex with another smily. The truly skilled online board warmonger will use their extensive knowledge of Photoshop and archived photos to show the target having sex with six black men, leading a Nazi rally or saying something along the lines of "i sUckz!!!!!" Truly gifted wordsmiths will have their post removed by an administrator, while even more gifted wordsmiths will steal someones password and start a message under their name called "i sUckz!!!!!" If these people spent the kind of time and effort they do on message boards on something other than video games and beating off, we might have a brighter future and they might all have girlfreinds. These board wars are so petty and silly that it just furthers my belief that everyone on the internet is a jackass, which I guess furthers my belief that everyone in general is a jackass. Which I guess makes me sound like one of those message board posters. And I can try to come up with some justification as to how I'm better than everyone else, but I'm really not, and I'm ok with that.
But here's what I want you readers to do: Have a board war, right now, in my comments box. Do it. Go hog wild. Pull no punches. Not only do I love when I got comments, I love it even more when they're hateful and angry. Now's your chance to stoop to a level so low you can't see it from your current footing. Trust me, we'll have a good time, and maybe even learn a little something in the process.
- Excerpt from "Alright Coke-man You Want Tron You Got Him" or "Caspar Wars Aftermath" on IMDB.com's Freddy Vs. Jason message board:
"With that last post Tron your idiot rating goes from a 14 to 17.3. Try and make some sense. But anyway I came with a new idea…I call it the Tronathon show!
Episode 1) puberty hurts 8:00pm Trons house, his mommy knocks on the door
(Trons mum) Tron your baths run..
(Tron) (nervously) don’t come in my room mom, I am doing stuff!
(Trons mum) it better your homework, because I don’t want to have to offer myself to your teacher again in a bid to stop him failing your dumbass!
(Tron) it is mom…honest.
The next day… (Trons family are eating breakfast in the dining room, Tron comes downstairs_
(Tron) err…mom?
(Trons mum) what the hell do you want!?
(Tron) I…had an accident…
(Trons mum) what kind of accident?
(Tron and his mum go upstairs and into Trons room, to find a patch of the mysterious in Trons bed)
(Tron mum) What the f uck is this? You little *beep*
(Tron) im sorry mom…don’t beat me again…please!! Will Trons mom beat him? Did he actually do his homework? Will he forever be a pathetic loser?...Tune in next time folks! "
Notice the clever use of "f uck" to avoid having the ever-important curse word be censored? Wow. Color me impressed. I have no idea what any of this means, but I really like the fact that whomever wrote this took this much time and seemed to really care deeply about mocking someone named "Tron", who, in my book, needs no outside mockery. His name is fucking Tron.
- Excerpt from "fastest time beating Halo2" from Halo 2 message board:
"don't be so ridiculousy stupid, u and i and everyone on this forum knows that u did not complete all modes in just one hour, even if u r joking go away and never come back.
p.s. ur ignorant"
I love it when people with a painful amount of typographical errors call others "ignorant". I also love the "even if u r joking go away and never come back". No joking around when it comes to making a virtual man kill virtual aliens on a television as your gut gets larger. This is serious shit and this attitude shall not be tolerated.
Message boards are a great way for lame nerds to get out their inner asshole to other assholes without having to express their deep-seated anger to people that could actually beat the shit out of them. It's also a great opportunity to learn new vocabulary: For instance, did you know that "gay" means "bad"? Or that a "pussy" means both a vagina and a person with insecurity and self-esteem issues? Or... well, I guess that's it. That's really the only vocabulary used at all. But I also learned that if you want to get your point across better, CAPS LOCK IS THE WAY TO GO. Also, incorporate many exclamation points, to accentuate the passion you feel about your statement. Be sure to add a number one on the end, you know, for posterity. Smilies are always accepted; in fact, more so than actual words. However, text smilies just don't cut it in todays modern world. You need to download some from some site so that you make a smily face shoot something or give the screen the finger or have sex with another smily. The truly skilled online board warmonger will use their extensive knowledge of Photoshop and archived photos to show the target having sex with six black men, leading a Nazi rally or saying something along the lines of "i sUckz!!!!!" Truly gifted wordsmiths will have their post removed by an administrator, while even more gifted wordsmiths will steal someones password and start a message under their name called "i sUckz!!!!!" If these people spent the kind of time and effort they do on message boards on something other than video games and beating off, we might have a brighter future and they might all have girlfreinds. These board wars are so petty and silly that it just furthers my belief that everyone on the internet is a jackass, which I guess furthers my belief that everyone in general is a jackass. Which I guess makes me sound like one of those message board posters. And I can try to come up with some justification as to how I'm better than everyone else, but I'm really not, and I'm ok with that.
But here's what I want you readers to do: Have a board war, right now, in my comments box. Do it. Go hog wild. Pull no punches. Not only do I love when I got comments, I love it even more when they're hateful and angry. Now's your chance to stoop to a level so low you can't see it from your current footing. Trust me, we'll have a good time, and maybe even learn a little something in the process.
posted by MC Harv at 7:04 PM
11 Comments:
goddammit Jack, you know I can't be mean to you. I'm just too fucking happy, dammit, and you're too fucking sweet and cute. I can't come up with anything nasty to say.
Well, I'm sure someone out there is sick and tired of my antics and has been dying to give me the ol' what-for. Come on! Let me have it!
I guess it doesn't even have to be about me. Just start childishly bitching about stupid shit. The original topic hardly ever is remembered in the long run anyway.
I refuse to partcipate in this flame war you stupid turd. Way to cop out on providing real content by giving us exerps from boards.
To be fair, a lot of boards have plenty of middle-age folks who are married.
Besides: who are you to criticize peoplfor playing video games and beating off, that's your freaking bread and butter? That, and any bitter, lonely SOB will tell you that amount of time and effort does not get you girlfriends.
-Thomas
This wasn't a cop out at all, you ass! I had more orignal content than excerpts, and you fucking take what you can get, you jackass!
Yes, I know everyone complains about board wars and that I'm unoriginal. Shut up. I never claimed to be original. And yes, beating off and video games are my bread and butter (though not necessarily in that order). But... Um... Yeah.
Well, this didn't work out as well as I had hoped. Intelligent people tend to make thought-out bitchy statements that are actually hurtful... I think I'm going to cry alone in the corner... Fuck all of you.
Damn it!! I went to bed early with my middle-aged male self and beat off instead of blogging last night and missed all the fun.
HA! MB - don't drag me into your fantasy! Of course Jack needs to get laid - I remind him all the time. Real original.
I didn't know about flame wars, and I for one was facinated by Jack's post. I mean, yeah, the entire excerpt got tedious, we got the point at about the second slam, and thx for going over all the ways to hide the profanity, Jack. But you know how he does go on.
Gee, being nasty is harder than I thought when I actually like the people I'm slamming. But Anon on my blog - now there's an asshole I could get some ground-to-air on.
Silly, we love you to death, but you did ASK for it.
Tell you what, as an apology: when you get back I'll loan you my unborn child (Akira Headrush 2, son) while you're in town. Don't cry, honey, we'll make you some soup an it'll be all better.
SS@S: You should declare a witch hunt for that Anony bastard.
-Thomas
Ha, yes I did ask for it, but my defense mechanisms are crying and self-loathing... It's an automatic thing, I have no control.
I'm glad I educated someone on board wars. I obviously had nothing really to write about, because I somehow seem to mention that at the beginning of almost every post. If people want more consistant posts, they're going to have to deal with posts that are sub-par.
I now know who anony is and the war is on. Some of it may take place behind the scenes, but I'll keep as much of it in the commentbox as I can.
Jackie, kissies, babe.
Oh boy! I love it when board wars transfer into reality and become actual wars.
You mean like our current one?
Big_W_69> U poop head. allbody no u got WMD.
Mister_Moustache2000> do not. Y U so stwepid.
It's totally the truth. Except for the lying part.
-Thomas
How do you spell "pwned" on a dvorak?
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