Thinly Veiled Sexual Reference
There are few things that annoy me more than poorly timed shits. Oft I shall find myself in the situation of needing to take a dump right when I'm about to leave for work, attend a high-powered stockholders meeting, or give the toast at the wedding of the daughters of top-ranking government officials. Like an uninvited guest with a terrible odor, the turtle pokes his head out at terribly inopportune moments, and usually with a tenacity such that I am unable to ignore it. For most people this may not be a problem, as they can forever hold their peace or squeeze out that white whale of the "smooth shit" of which I am hardly acquainted. See, my bathroom procedures are a long process that cannot be simply resolved with a quick five minute trip to the shitter. It is a step-by-step involvement that rarely is pulled off smoothly:
1. Mental preperation (5 min)
2. Stretching, relaxation, confidence exercises (5-10 min)
3. Regulate breathing patterns (1 min)
4. Find something to read (1-6 min, depending on proximity of worthy material)
5. Bathroom status check: TP availability, soap for washing hands, toilet seat free of loose material and pubic hairs (3 min)
6. Sit, recall past experiences in head, sigh, tell self everything is going to be okay (1 min)
7. Release (5-25 min)
8. Excevate (2 min)
9. Wipe (varies, anywhere between 30 sec and 1 hour)
10. Check for corn, discoloration, internal organs in the bowl (1 min)
11. Flush (1 min, 7 if clog occurs)
12. Wash hands (4 min)
13. Smell hands (1 min)
14. Wash hands again (6 min)
15. Leave bathroom, think of loved ones, clouds, trees and harmony, remind self it'll be at least another day before you have to do that again, make list of things to discontinue eating (2 min)
Each step needn't be done every time; if I 'm in a hurry I'll cut corners here and there. But the problem is I can never gauge how long a shit is going to take, how smoothly it'll go and what outside issues I may have to deal with at the last minute (no TP, no plunger, sewer crocodiles). This unsure feeling of whether I have time to effectively make a poop transaction is seriously perturbing to me, and my body seems to know that, saving the feeling of having to go to the bathroom for the last possible and most inconvenient moment. Damn you, colon, you devilish dastard!
I was hoping one day to exhaust ways I could talk about shit, but it hasn't happened yet. Apologies to those eating.
1. Mental preperation (5 min)
2. Stretching, relaxation, confidence exercises (5-10 min)
3. Regulate breathing patterns (1 min)
4. Find something to read (1-6 min, depending on proximity of worthy material)
5. Bathroom status check: TP availability, soap for washing hands, toilet seat free of loose material and pubic hairs (3 min)
6. Sit, recall past experiences in head, sigh, tell self everything is going to be okay (1 min)
7. Release (5-25 min)
8. Excevate (2 min)
9. Wipe (varies, anywhere between 30 sec and 1 hour)
10. Check for corn, discoloration, internal organs in the bowl (1 min)
11. Flush (1 min, 7 if clog occurs)
12. Wash hands (4 min)
13. Smell hands (1 min)
14. Wash hands again (6 min)
15. Leave bathroom, think of loved ones, clouds, trees and harmony, remind self it'll be at least another day before you have to do that again, make list of things to discontinue eating (2 min)
Each step needn't be done every time; if I 'm in a hurry I'll cut corners here and there. But the problem is I can never gauge how long a shit is going to take, how smoothly it'll go and what outside issues I may have to deal with at the last minute (no TP, no plunger, sewer crocodiles). This unsure feeling of whether I have time to effectively make a poop transaction is seriously perturbing to me, and my body seems to know that, saving the feeling of having to go to the bathroom for the last possible and most inconvenient moment. Damn you, colon, you devilish dastard!
I was hoping one day to exhaust ways I could talk about shit, but it hasn't happened yet. Apologies to those eating.
posted by MC Harv at 1:23 PM
3 Comments:
This post was almost as good as the post you did about the stereotypes of male urination.
But seriously, the best was the one about your first day at the convenience store.
Good days were had that day; good days were had.
Shit son,
The shit that you come up with on the subject of shit is hilarious. I don't think it is possible for you to exhaust the comedic potential of shit.
-Gilly
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