Wednesday, April 08, 2009

It Has Been Some Time

It was not since January that I last wrote in this little box on the internet.  It is no longer January; in fact, it is a few months beyond.  Are you, the theoretical reader, interested in what has been going on in my intrepid little life?  What have I been doing to wile away the precious hours of my ever-dwindling youth?  It must be something incredibly exciting and resplendent to occupy my time such that I do not update this oft-abandoned blog, right?

I don't know.  Maybe.  I've been kind of unemployed, which means that I sit around the house looking for work and distract myself with the glittering pixels of television shows and the abundant flesh of internet pornography.  By "kind of unemployed", I mean that while I don't have a job in the strictest sense, I am keeping busy and making money, of a sort.  You know, sort of kind of a little maybe.  There are a lot of research studies around these parts looking for candidates that fit my description:  Young, healthy bored people with flexible schedules and a lack of prescription drug addictions.  Basically, I get paid to take little white pills whose names are not revealed and then fill out papers which rank my anxiousness with a number between 1 and 10.  Currently I am ensconced in the unemployed male fantasy job:  As part of an alcohol study, I essentially drink beer for money.  Why, just this Monday I sat in a room alone with beer, chips, a sandwich and a VHS copy of Jurassic Park.  I wasn't sure what to do with myself afterward; usually I drink beer and watch movies from 1993 after work rather than during.  I'm not entirely sure what the scientific reasoning for boozing me up in a laboratory where piles of entertainment magazines spill off of every table like ambrosia in heaven, but I can't question the methods of people who work at a place where ID cards are required to use the elevator.

Drinking has never seemed so official.  Each day I have to mark down how much I drank, prompting a quick double take and fleeting moments of self-evaluation.  Then every other week I am required to show up for an "alcohol session", wherein I basically drink some more.  I think observations are made by smart people.  Prior to the drinking, I have to smell glasses of beer and water and write down things about how I feel about this.  Then I chug and eat a sandwich and watch a movie while I sober up.  Science.

In addition to this, I've done a study where I had to get an MRI while hopped up on amphetamines, looking at pictures of kittens, tanks and scowling elderly gentlemen and expressing my feelings about them.  Also, I had to play a simple game in which I blew up a balloon filled with money.  The bigger I pumped it up, the more money I got (real actual money!), but if it got to big it would blow up and I would get nothing.  Not to be immodest, but I kicked ass at this portion and cleaned up.  It felt like my much-practiced Sega Genesis skills were actually coming in handy, after years of entirely wasted expertise.  A couple of "How are you feeling at this exact moment, smily face or frowny face" forms filled out later and I had a few hondo slapped into my palm.  

Yes, I went to college.

1 Comments:

Blogger ssas said...

Brilliant!

1:42 PM  

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