Vice Versa
The following is a fictional essay I turned in for class. It is bad. Enjoy it.
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Mel was currently on his third day without sleep. He was by no means an insomniac; no, he tried very hard to get to this point. Initially, not sleeping was a simple byproduct of Mel’s depression. He had just had a difficult breakup with his girlfriend, who left him rather unsubtly by engaging in phone sex with someone else in front of him during a night out at Denny‘s. Crushed, Mel sought solace in his best friend Andrew, who it turned out had left town with Mel’s checkbook and social security number, having used these years of trust to con him out of his money. Further crushed, Mel made his way to his parents house, who were each found dead in their armchairs watching The Price Is Right. Mel has been in their house ever since, unsure of where to go next and fearful he might bring further poor luck wherever he goes. Stationary in his parent’s house, Mel found it difficult to sleep most nights. Somewhere along the line, he decided he was going to simply forgo sleep from then on. How he came to this decision is not clear: He attempted to convince himself it was to give himself time to get his life together, to get over his loss, and to be productive for his future, but all this went out the window when he found himself listening to Bob Barker decry animals with genitals day in and day out. His motives no longer seemed to matter anyway. It was now his mission to remain awake, and that was simply that.
So here Mel was on his third day without sleeping. He drank far too much coffee and spent too many hours staring at the television. Or, to look at it another way, Mel gave his life a new direction by reconfiguring his dietary intake and gave his life focus by finding something to hold his attention. He had changed his thought process so that everything he did could be easily justified with a few simple vocabulary adjustments. He was starting to feel somewhat positive, actually. This is why I am doing this, he thought to himself. I need a change in my life, and any sort of change is invariably a good one. But when his hand began to shake uncontrollably, he struggled with a way to put a good spin on it. Equally difficult was making it seem like his sudden blurry vision and nausea were good things. And, as the room began to slowly spin around him, he no longer even made attempts at putting positive spins on anything because any more spinning and he would have thrown up. His head was swimming. His eyes began to feel like they were bleeding. He convulsed uncontrollably and finally collapsed onto the ground.
“Hey. Get up,”
“What?” Mel replied to the unknown voice. “Who said that?”
“If you want to get technical, you said that,” said the lamp. “I’m just a voice in your head, manifesting itself as a lamp. But let’s not get technical. My name is T. Lamp,”
“T. Lamp?”
“Yeah. The Lamp. I’m your lamp,”
“Huh. Tell me again why you’ve decided to start talking to me?”
“You’re hallucinating. It’s no big deal. This isn’t actually happening anyway, but for the time being, your lamp is talking to you,” said T. Lamp. Mel felt a bit confused. “You’re starting to feel the ill effects of sleep deprivation, Mel. It’s not terribly healthy to go without sleep,”
“Okay,” Mel timidly responded. His lamp had never really been so forward with him. Usually it was just on or off, depending on how Mel had configured the switch; it had never had too much to say before. “You got any bright ideas, T?”
“That’s not funny. I don’t think that’s funny at all,” Mel was afraid he had made T. Lamp upset. He had a lot of other puns relating to lamps stored away, but he decided to save them for later. “I’m not really here to advise you on anything. I don’t even know why I am here, really,”
“My parents always thought you looked nice on that table. I thought your shade conflicted with the wallpaper,” Mel replied.
“I would say that maybe it’s time for you to get some sleep,” said T. Lamp, and Mel realized this was probably sound advice. Mel crawled up to the couch and nestled amongst the cushions. Almost instantly, he was asleep.
Mel now saw he had been wrong to try to stay awake so long. Sleep was the answer! Rather than stay awake perpetually, being asleep at all times is a much better way to avoid dealing with your life. For a few brief moments, everything was dark. Then, Bam! On came an onslaught of subconscious memories, all jumbled into one cryptic and ridiculous package! The world was suddenly full of old junior high science teachers, family pets, movie stars he had recently seen on Entertainment Tonight!, spaceships, candy and unicorns! The sights he saw were pent up in his mind during his time awake, and they exploded into his brain like a firecracker. Mel could fly, he could jump higher than ten basketball players, he could eat more hot dogs than anyone in the world and he was adored by everyone. Dreamland is definitely the place to be, Mel concluded, and he was determined to remain asleep forever.
Just as Mel was about to enter a chocolate sauce factory with ten porn stars and a jumbo-sized bag of marshmallows, he was confronted by a floating television screen. On the screen was Bob Barker, again, and he did not seem pleased. “Mel, you conniving little worm!” screamed Bob, with a face of fury Mel did no imagine Barker had the energy to muster. “What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?”
“Oh, um, I don’t know specifically,” Mel replied. “I just assumed this combination would result in a good time.”
“You’ve been asleep for the past week! That is no way to live a life! I tried so hard to make a difference in the world by informing people of actual retail prices of products they may desire purchasing and preventing the birth of litters and litters of illegitimate puppy children, and here you are, ignoring reality by staying asleep!” Bob yelled. “You can’t keep this up, Mel! I won’t allow it!”
“Hey, didn’t Drew Carey take your job? That must feel pretty low, huh?”
“DAMMIT, MEL, SO HELP ME, I WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS FOREVER!” Bob screamed, his face turning shades of purple. “You think staying asleep is just some grandiose walk in the picnic cake? Wait until I turn this dreamland into a nightmare… There will be no escape!”
Suddenly, the ground began to open up, as giant Plinko tiles fell from the heavens like so much God’s wrath. A cavalcade of brand new cars tore through the horizon, barreling down on Mel with unstoppable fury. Zombie Rod Roddy tore up through the earth in a shirt so expertly sequined it burned a hole in men’s souls. An army of cats and dogs, wild with rabid hunger and cursed with savage, unspayed genitalia spurned forth and descended upon the landscape. Chaos was all that remained. Mel began to realize the dangers of living in a fantasy world, and began to wish he could awaken to face reality. Escape from life’s ills was a faulty decision; in trying to either absorb himself in his misery or ignore it outright, Mel had found nothing to soothe the pain. With that, he awoke. Not entirely sure where his life was to head now, he ventured outside and began to walk. He was going to continue on in this life. Be there salvation or redemption ahead, it would have to come find him.
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Mel was currently on his third day without sleep. He was by no means an insomniac; no, he tried very hard to get to this point. Initially, not sleeping was a simple byproduct of Mel’s depression. He had just had a difficult breakup with his girlfriend, who left him rather unsubtly by engaging in phone sex with someone else in front of him during a night out at Denny‘s. Crushed, Mel sought solace in his best friend Andrew, who it turned out had left town with Mel’s checkbook and social security number, having used these years of trust to con him out of his money. Further crushed, Mel made his way to his parents house, who were each found dead in their armchairs watching The Price Is Right. Mel has been in their house ever since, unsure of where to go next and fearful he might bring further poor luck wherever he goes. Stationary in his parent’s house, Mel found it difficult to sleep most nights. Somewhere along the line, he decided he was going to simply forgo sleep from then on. How he came to this decision is not clear: He attempted to convince himself it was to give himself time to get his life together, to get over his loss, and to be productive for his future, but all this went out the window when he found himself listening to Bob Barker decry animals with genitals day in and day out. His motives no longer seemed to matter anyway. It was now his mission to remain awake, and that was simply that.
So here Mel was on his third day without sleeping. He drank far too much coffee and spent too many hours staring at the television. Or, to look at it another way, Mel gave his life a new direction by reconfiguring his dietary intake and gave his life focus by finding something to hold his attention. He had changed his thought process so that everything he did could be easily justified with a few simple vocabulary adjustments. He was starting to feel somewhat positive, actually. This is why I am doing this, he thought to himself. I need a change in my life, and any sort of change is invariably a good one. But when his hand began to shake uncontrollably, he struggled with a way to put a good spin on it. Equally difficult was making it seem like his sudden blurry vision and nausea were good things. And, as the room began to slowly spin around him, he no longer even made attempts at putting positive spins on anything because any more spinning and he would have thrown up. His head was swimming. His eyes began to feel like they were bleeding. He convulsed uncontrollably and finally collapsed onto the ground.
“Hey. Get up,”
“What?” Mel replied to the unknown voice. “Who said that?”
“If you want to get technical, you said that,” said the lamp. “I’m just a voice in your head, manifesting itself as a lamp. But let’s not get technical. My name is T. Lamp,”
“T. Lamp?”
“Yeah. The Lamp. I’m your lamp,”
“Huh. Tell me again why you’ve decided to start talking to me?”
“You’re hallucinating. It’s no big deal. This isn’t actually happening anyway, but for the time being, your lamp is talking to you,” said T. Lamp. Mel felt a bit confused. “You’re starting to feel the ill effects of sleep deprivation, Mel. It’s not terribly healthy to go without sleep,”
“Okay,” Mel timidly responded. His lamp had never really been so forward with him. Usually it was just on or off, depending on how Mel had configured the switch; it had never had too much to say before. “You got any bright ideas, T?”
“That’s not funny. I don’t think that’s funny at all,” Mel was afraid he had made T. Lamp upset. He had a lot of other puns relating to lamps stored away, but he decided to save them for later. “I’m not really here to advise you on anything. I don’t even know why I am here, really,”
“My parents always thought you looked nice on that table. I thought your shade conflicted with the wallpaper,” Mel replied.
“I would say that maybe it’s time for you to get some sleep,” said T. Lamp, and Mel realized this was probably sound advice. Mel crawled up to the couch and nestled amongst the cushions. Almost instantly, he was asleep.
Mel now saw he had been wrong to try to stay awake so long. Sleep was the answer! Rather than stay awake perpetually, being asleep at all times is a much better way to avoid dealing with your life. For a few brief moments, everything was dark. Then, Bam! On came an onslaught of subconscious memories, all jumbled into one cryptic and ridiculous package! The world was suddenly full of old junior high science teachers, family pets, movie stars he had recently seen on Entertainment Tonight!, spaceships, candy and unicorns! The sights he saw were pent up in his mind during his time awake, and they exploded into his brain like a firecracker. Mel could fly, he could jump higher than ten basketball players, he could eat more hot dogs than anyone in the world and he was adored by everyone. Dreamland is definitely the place to be, Mel concluded, and he was determined to remain asleep forever.
Just as Mel was about to enter a chocolate sauce factory with ten porn stars and a jumbo-sized bag of marshmallows, he was confronted by a floating television screen. On the screen was Bob Barker, again, and he did not seem pleased. “Mel, you conniving little worm!” screamed Bob, with a face of fury Mel did no imagine Barker had the energy to muster. “What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?”
“Oh, um, I don’t know specifically,” Mel replied. “I just assumed this combination would result in a good time.”
“You’ve been asleep for the past week! That is no way to live a life! I tried so hard to make a difference in the world by informing people of actual retail prices of products they may desire purchasing and preventing the birth of litters and litters of illegitimate puppy children, and here you are, ignoring reality by staying asleep!” Bob yelled. “You can’t keep this up, Mel! I won’t allow it!”
“Hey, didn’t Drew Carey take your job? That must feel pretty low, huh?”
“DAMMIT, MEL, SO HELP ME, I WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS FOREVER!” Bob screamed, his face turning shades of purple. “You think staying asleep is just some grandiose walk in the picnic cake? Wait until I turn this dreamland into a nightmare… There will be no escape!”
Suddenly, the ground began to open up, as giant Plinko tiles fell from the heavens like so much God’s wrath. A cavalcade of brand new cars tore through the horizon, barreling down on Mel with unstoppable fury. Zombie Rod Roddy tore up through the earth in a shirt so expertly sequined it burned a hole in men’s souls. An army of cats and dogs, wild with rabid hunger and cursed with savage, unspayed genitalia spurned forth and descended upon the landscape. Chaos was all that remained. Mel began to realize the dangers of living in a fantasy world, and began to wish he could awaken to face reality. Escape from life’s ills was a faulty decision; in trying to either absorb himself in his misery or ignore it outright, Mel had found nothing to soothe the pain. With that, he awoke. Not entirely sure where his life was to head now, he ventured outside and began to walk. He was going to continue on in this life. Be there salvation or redemption ahead, it would have to come find him.
posted by MC Harv at 2:57 PM
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