Put Your Penis Back In Your Pants And Stop Chasing Me
TV makes me cranky. I noticed this the other day when I was watching TV for the first time in probably 9 months. TV is a little box that essentially shows me everything I hate in convenient segments, so I am able to have little individual rant pieces about each little section. That car is ugly! God, another god damn reality makeover show! Jack In The Box is infested with salmonella-carrying roach-rat hybrids! I hate Keanu Reeves! More people dead in Iraq? Aagh! How come the Simpsons sucks now? MTV only shows shit! Mark McGraff or however the cock you spell it is VH1's personal little man-whore! How the fuck is "Joey" still on the air? If your Chicken Selects are "now" made with all white meat, what the fuck were they made of before? I keep seeing that same guy in tons of commercials; what the fuck? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!!! I fucking hate EVERYTHING!!!!!
I think this is why I stopped watching TV. Well, I suppose part of it is the fact that I have to move shit around and rearrange the outlet if I want to plug the damn thing in. Plus, the genius advent of TV shows on DVD means I can get the shows I want, commercial-free, without having to suffer through all the beaurocratic BULLSHIT and horse-fugly ASS-MUNCHING! I once had a tolerance for commercials, so long as I was peppering each one with a healthy mocking attitude. Now the commercials have no need to be mocked, as they are such shit that it transcends having to even point it out. And now every show is like a half-hour commercial. Everything just plain sucks; thanks, TV, for reminding me.
It's so hard to break yourself off from it though. It's a drug; it addicts with a fierce passion. My body is very prone to not moving, and if something is there flickering and making sounds for an indeterminate amount of time, my body will be receptive to it for that indeterminate amount of time. I'll get verbally pissed off at TV, but even this will slowly turn into mere grunts of displeasure: "UNGH! bUH... DERFFANNAH NO NO!!!!" My anti-television nature doesn't stem from some sort of intillectualist propaganda either: I adore TV if done right. TV can kick ass. Early Simpsons is on par with fucking Shakespeare. That's right, you holier-than-thou english profeesors: I said it. Now eat me. Happy Days rules. Hogan's Heroes? Oh man. Don't get me started. I had my Matlock phase. I want to have mad monkey sex in the back of a trailer with Jim Rockford. And Dave Foley... He is God, if God were Canadian. TV is wonderful. But I can't bring myself to watch it anymore. It reminds me of how much I hate America and everyone in it. I need as little reminders of this as possible to keep me sane.
I'm not making some grand moral statement that all of you should turn off your TV's, eat carrots and roll around in grassy knolls for all eternity. I'm saying, for me, TV hurts. Ouch. Hear that? That is the sound of hurt. Find me a knoll and I'll roll, bitch. Get me a fucking carrot; I'll have orange skin and see in the dark. What'll you have, dick?
I think this is why I stopped watching TV. Well, I suppose part of it is the fact that I have to move shit around and rearrange the outlet if I want to plug the damn thing in. Plus, the genius advent of TV shows on DVD means I can get the shows I want, commercial-free, without having to suffer through all the beaurocratic BULLSHIT and horse-fugly ASS-MUNCHING! I once had a tolerance for commercials, so long as I was peppering each one with a healthy mocking attitude. Now the commercials have no need to be mocked, as they are such shit that it transcends having to even point it out. And now every show is like a half-hour commercial. Everything just plain sucks; thanks, TV, for reminding me.
It's so hard to break yourself off from it though. It's a drug; it addicts with a fierce passion. My body is very prone to not moving, and if something is there flickering and making sounds for an indeterminate amount of time, my body will be receptive to it for that indeterminate amount of time. I'll get verbally pissed off at TV, but even this will slowly turn into mere grunts of displeasure: "UNGH! bUH... DERFFANNAH NO NO!!!!" My anti-television nature doesn't stem from some sort of intillectualist propaganda either: I adore TV if done right. TV can kick ass. Early Simpsons is on par with fucking Shakespeare. That's right, you holier-than-thou english profeesors: I said it. Now eat me. Happy Days rules. Hogan's Heroes? Oh man. Don't get me started. I had my Matlock phase. I want to have mad monkey sex in the back of a trailer with Jim Rockford. And Dave Foley... He is God, if God were Canadian. TV is wonderful. But I can't bring myself to watch it anymore. It reminds me of how much I hate America and everyone in it. I need as little reminders of this as possible to keep me sane.
I'm not making some grand moral statement that all of you should turn off your TV's, eat carrots and roll around in grassy knolls for all eternity. I'm saying, for me, TV hurts. Ouch. Hear that? That is the sound of hurt. Find me a knoll and I'll roll, bitch. Get me a fucking carrot; I'll have orange skin and see in the dark. What'll you have, dick?
posted by MC Harv at 6:53 PM
11 Comments:
Dont think you can get away with removing those posts... I know what you said.
well, where would the soft porn industry be without tv??
oh yeah, the internet.
there are tvs on all the machines at the gym and i have learned i'd rather work out with nothing to distract me from the fucking pain, because the tv shows just add to it.
yeah, mb, we all know what you said, so fess up!!
See what television does to one's spelling?
I know how you feel: today I turned on some classic TNG and it was some wack episode about a girl who has nothing to do with the characters and her imaginary friend. Then Guinan got all sentimental. What am I supposed to do when even the all-time classics turn against me?
so if you don't watch tv, Jack, what's your excuse?
TV shows on DVD has changed my life. For example: I can now watch Mr. Show and Freakazoid in tandem, fearing no heinous commercial or station programming announcement.
-Thomas
FREAKAZOID???
You wanna fight about it? Freakazoid rules, son.
-Thomas
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Of course it does; come on, Tom, you know me. But it's not out on DVD.
Hey, people change when they go to university, I was willing to believe that you had gone insane.
Well, not, "officially," but I know a guy, who has this computer...
-Thomas
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