My Main Reassurance Is That One Day I'll Be Hit By A Bus

For all you moon junkies, I hope you caught a glimpse last night. Yellow, bright, full, overcast by fast moving black clouds in the dead of the cold night... Full on werewolf style. I hope you mothers locked up your daughters, because I'm sure they all turned into rabid she-beasts out for human flesh. And daughters, I hope you woke up this morning and felt regret, or at least washed the blood stains from your shoes.

But I digress.

I have this feeling that everyone who reads this blog knows me better than people I've actually met. Good friends of mine know me pretty well because I open up to them and basically do a live-action verbal version of this blog in real time in front of them. But there are lots of people here in college who I talk to for a day at most and then move on, and realize they now hold this impression of me which may or may not be accurate. As I often tend to do, I could branch off into some bullshit self-questioning "Who am I?" hooplah, but I think I'll save that for later. I may not fully understand my person, but I understand better than the douche-holes I meet day to day. This is mainly because I cannot really translate my personality to other people beyond simply being. On top of that, why the fuck should I? I rarely want to see any of the people I meet ever again, and thus needn't go any further than a polite "Hello" and move on to more important things, like Swdish Fish and pornography. However, this blog is pure "self". That's what's here: Me. And I'm less inhibited here because this is text, who gives a shit. I've met very few of you people, and those that I have are already friends of mine and I have a comfort level already to express myself. It's not even a comfort issue, per se, because I'm plenty comfortable in front of people, but moreso the fact that there are many facets of myself that can get lost in a false first impression. I'm all about a mystery, too; I don't want to give myself away completely, or even at all to most people. But ya'll, ya'll know wassup. Maybe. I do only tell you what I want you to hear, and believe me, there's plenty cookin' in the ol' ticker that won't be served to the Oliver Twists that accompany this little section of the internet.

But this pontifcation on the bullshit of self is not what I'm going for here. I certainly don't actively try to keep things from people to make them think a certain way about me, I just roll baby. Like an eight year old who just came into contact with a hill. It's programmed into their nature, biologically, to roll down that hill. Fart. Anyway, the point I'm getting at is that first impressions blow, not to mention every other subsequent impression. Who knows if these impressions are correct? I hear someone say something douchy or see them wearing a trucker hat and I make immediate assumptions about who they are. These assumptions are often correct, but there's more going on behind these correct assumptions. These are superficial outlooks, and even though all these dumb motherfuckers are the same, there might be something underneath that I'm missing, and that I don't care to find out about because they're asshole plop butt nuggets. I don't like the smell of butt nuggets, so I try to keep my distance. But what mysterious elements of these individuals am I missing out on? Do I even care? Should I care, since I don't? Basically, I get a sense from certain people that they don't really know who I am. This leads me to think that I probably don't know who other people are. This also leads me to question if we can ever really "know" anyone. This also makes me wonder why I should give a shit.

My friends know me because I am myself around them. Then again, I am myself around everyone. There is a clear difference, however, between "myself" around my friends and "myself" around others. It's not intentional. Everybody does it. Everyone has a modified personality based on who or what is in the room. Or do they? Is that modifcation simply the same personality portrayed differently, like a movie being played on different TV stations? I don't even know what I come off as anymore and if that person is who I really am, until I consider it has to be who I am. I'm the one giving them the impression; no one's impression of someone can be wrong. They got that impression from some element of your person that made itself available to them. Your interpretation of it is different from theirs, but theirs is just as accurate because they have equal ability to perceive as you do. So, then, who am I if I am not who I think I am? If I am a composite of all these different impressions of myself filtered through different interpreting individuals, can I ever truly understand who I am? Why am I different in front of different people? There's a comfort level involved in everything: Text is unbelievably comfortable because there is no immediete personal reaction and every sentence can be carefully thought out and edited down to exactly what you want to portray. So if you say something to someone, it may not be exactly what you intended to mean, but at the same time the meaning is issued, despite initial intention, and this interpretation must be taken into account. Who you are to one person may be different from who you are to yourself or others, but it still manages to reveal something about you that may have gotten lost in the eyes of others. If everyone likes you except one person who hates you, that person is not wrong because no one else agrees.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this, because I didn't think it made any sense. But I'll toss it the dogs and see if they want to eat of it. If not, it'll rot here in cyberspace like so much Geocities fan sites.