Everytime I Look At The Damn Clock It's 12:34

If there's one thing I've noticed in my time here on Earth, it is that everyone is an asshole. That's right, even you.

But the interesting thing about this little observation is the different derivations of asshole there are out there. There's a whole intricate layer system of asshole, ranging from the hardly noticable to the all-encompassing. Everyone is an asshole in their own way, some more so than others, some in bizarre ways, some in ways so subtle you won't even recognize until you're in you tub a month later and you say to yourself "Hey, that guy who was in line ahead of me at the grocery store when I was buying toilet paper? That guy was an asshole!". Some people don't mean it. Some people most definitely do. Some people don't recognize it in themselves, others do and either try to fix it, use it to their advantage, or stone cold do nothing.

Few things bother quite like somebody not responding to me when I ask them something. Something as simple as if they know what time it is, if I get no sort of response, I'll get pissed. And this is some stupid little shit that is actually my fault anyway: No one can hear a god damned word I say. I speak like a friggin' doormouse playing the lead role in a British drug drama. So though I speak quiet as fuck, I get pissed when people don't hear me because I immedietly register it as a dick move. So they're suddenly an asshole, completely unbeknownst to them.

Often I'll sit and think to myself "My god, what [insert name of asshole here] said was such an asshole thing to say!" and simply ponder, alone on my stone in the middle of the gently rifting river, with lilypads all about and the infintesimal sound of the breeze blowing through my ears and the cottontails which adorn my pondering spot, about what a fucking asshole that asshole was. Asshole. Was this malicious? That would be a major asshole move if so. If not, what made them not realize what they were doing pertained qualities of being an asshole? Did they recognize and just not want to deal with it? What the fuck?

Then I all come off like an asshole overanalyzing these things, coming up to suckahs two years later and being all "Hey, you could've answered that phone, dipstick, you were at a closer proximity!", all measuring angles and pulling out graphs and spreadsheets with mathematical proof of their being of an asshole. "X + Y = you's a dick, ho". But I always overthink peoples assholeisms, which is probably why I've come to the dire conclusion that everyone is an asshole. Maybe it's not true. Maybe there are nice people out there. Then why the fuck don't any of them hang out with me?

Lots of people freely admit that they're assholes, as though it's some sort of special badge they get to wear and show off to everyone. "See? I'm an asshole. Don't this off of my words and actions, I'm going to tell you directly so there's no room for confusion." I hate people who freely admit they're an asshole in order to use admission as an excuse to continue. If you know you're an asshole, that doesn't give you the right to be one. In fact, it's worse off than if you didn't know, because since you do know, you ought to do something to change it. Ya ass.

But people like assholes, all in all. People like that big loud guy that's always sayin' stuff, or the charismatic douchebag who looks attractive in high-powered suits or Bright Eyes T-shirts. But wait a minute! People don't like all assholes, people only like attractive assholes. Here's the key: If you're good-looking, being an asshole is being assertive, confident, badass. Being badass without being attractive is just being an ass. Nobody likes assholes, they're just seen in a different light if they're attractive.

But everybody's an asshole. So end of story. People go about it different ways, some are better liked than others, some play it up better, and some are just straight up dicks.

Or maybe I'm just pissy. Maybe I'm the asshole.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything and am just kind of ranting about nothing in particular.

Maybe.