Liberal Propaganda Likely To Follow

Pissin'!

You ladies got it easy in the pissin' department, lemme tell you. Oh, whoop dee poo, you have to do such as wipe with toilet paper? Big deal. You get to sit down, relax and just drop juices like you were an early frontiersman. You get the subtle joy of reading Newsweek while excreting fluids. All we men folk get to learn during urination is the underlying embarrasment of what the situation at hand is.

Ok, ladies, sorry to get up in arms, I mean no particular anything by my comments on how much easier pissin' is for you. In fact there's probably all manner of intricacies to your routine I am not and shall neve be aware of. But I just want the world to be aware of what it is those with penises need to watch out for while releasing frontal fluids. Mainly, people take an issue with aim. It's easy for a person whose target encompasses their firing squad to judge urine on the floor as poor penis aim, but there's more to it than that. The straightest shooter in the world has issues now and again, a little dribble here and there happens to the best of us. While it is courteous to clean it up if it happens, the chance of it happening is probably higher than you think. For instance:

1. The Falling Seat

Thankfully I've never actually been victim to this, but knowing me it'll happen sooner than expected. Poor hinge control on certain toilets disallows the seats staying up properly. Often I will prop the seat upwards and mentally prepare myself for evacuation when the seat will fall down just as I'm about to go. And this will happen several times before I can finally get it to stay. Thankfully I'm able to catch myself before anything too drastic happens, but I can see the liklihood of someone peeing on the seat as it kamikazes itself into the line of fire as a rather common occurance.

2. Stranded Pube

Oh, those wacky pubic hairs. What are they thinking, sometimes, huh? This is another problem that can happen: A pubic hair innapropiately lodged in the hole of the penis. It happens. Who knows how it got there, but it found its way and it is there to sabotage your whole procedure. This usually occurs during the first piss in the morning, the piss that I am least mentally prepared for. The pube causes the urine to spray in two distinct paths: If you're lucky, one stream will find it's way into the bowl, but the other one always sprays to the side. When you're real unlucky, both streams go in unintended directions. Aim is not the issue here; the stream really, really wanted to disobey your command, and now you pay the price.

3. Post-Sex Tourrettes Dick

The post-fuck pee, though a satisfying one, is often a dangerous one. This piss can be very erratic, hard to control, and generally noncompliant. A skilled, or "wicked", pisser can train themselves to overcome this and gain control of their flailing appendage before any serious damage is done, but novices and the tired often have a little collateral damage here and there.

4. Drunk Pee

Well, this one should be obvious. Motor skills become compromised and can result in puddling. Often when one gets beyond the point of urine control one tends to do it in public so as to avoid the aim issue. A tree judges less harshly than the good people at Holiday Inn. (Side note: Pee on rocks when in the woods, rather than trees; this way deers dont have to eat your urine when they take a nibble at some fauna.)

5. The Shake

Come on, fellahs. You ought to know by now how to shake properly, but apparantly this remains a problem. An improper shake can expedite excess fluids on the rim, the seat, the sink, and the business suit of your stall neighbor. Not every toilet is a urinal, you have to show some caution. You can't just pee willy and nilly, doing acrobatics and ghostwriting the great American novel on a regular toilet seat. Urinals are designed for tricks and chaotic shakes, but not regular toilet seats. Keep playfulness to a minimum, just get the job done. This ain't Denny's.

6. The Almost

Once in a while we all run into the issue of barely getting to a bathroom. Still, urgency is little excuse for inaccuracy. I'll let this slide under the most dire circumstances, but typically ones aim should not be allowed to falter despite the six pitchers of Guinness you just had. Do we tolerate nutty diarhhea all over the floor in noodle mishaps? No, we don't. The line needs to be drawn.

7. Low Seat Sydrome

Some bowls are lower to the ground than others. This can throw some people off, as they are used to higher up seats. Lower seats mean more distance between the bowl and Dangly Johnny, hit-miss ratio is bound to be affected. Still, I should hope we all have aim that is good enough to adjust. We've all been practicing for this kind of thing our whole lives.

Reminder: If you have poor aim and would like to practice, please do not do it at public restrooms or bathrooms you share with someone else. Get a cinder block and mark an X on it and go out to the backyard.

And very important: Any mess you may have, excusable or not, should be promptly cleaned. That shit is gross.

Pissing is a much more complex process than we often give it credit for. Today, while pretending to be working, think about your urinary tract. Think long and hard on the issues that little guy faces each and every day, the problems s/he runs into and the hardships endured. Pee-Pee Hole: Respect It, Love It.