Never Again Shall I Eat Of Foods That Begin With "Gor"

I am high minded. Yes sir, or ma'am. While my head may be here, my mind is up a few steps, floating above like a hat that I don't need to take off when I go to sleep. I use big words. These words have many syllables. Each word is like a sentence in and of itself. These big words also contain many odd pairings of consonants and vowels. You would be surprised to find these consonants and vowels in close vicinity to one another, but here I lay them out in this way as though it were completely commonplace. On top of that, the words that I use come completely naturally. I am of such a high-minded persona that the big words just come out of me without any particular attempt. Oh, believe me, there are times that I wish small words would be said in place of big words, but my vocal chords won't let this happen. They need to protude as much as they can, whenever they can. Because I have a high mind; it's way up there. You can't see it, you need special glasses. No, I won't tell you where to get them. No, I won't even give you a hint.

If you found a treasure map that told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? I wouldn't.

Soup needs lots of crackers in it. But then can it really be called soup if the crackers outnumber it? I say yes. You still eat it with a spoon. You'd only eat crackers with a spoon if the spoon was really big. No, I'm talking REALLY big, like a hamper, only instead of clothes you'd put in crackers, and instead of not eating them you'd eat them.

Hey, look over there. Did you do it? Did you look over there? Be honest. I can't be sure if you actually looked over there or not. If you did, where did you look? You can't be sure which "there" I'm talking about. So I guess all you people who didn't look over there and just stared at the screen and read the rest of this can use the excuse that your definition of "there" was straight ahead. Fine. But you know in your hearts you didn't look over there.

Porn sites have really poor grammer. Maybe if they were stop having sex once in a while and pick up a book they'd know how to spell "come" correctly.

People tend to think they're special when someone famous went to their high school. People also tend to think they're special when they're famous. People also tend to eat, breathe, and put on socks. That's not very special.

I had a dream last night that Larry David was angry with his wife because she took "Highway 61 Revisited" out of its case, and you can only take it out of its case if you're going to listen to the album all the way through. I woke up chewing on my pillow. I wish I had had a dream where I was eating something so that the chewing on the pillow part were at least somewhat justified.

Sometimes when I'm eating chips I think to myself: "Whoah, I'm eating chips." Then I realize that this isn't something interesting and continue on as though nothing had happened. Sometimes when I'm eating Pop-Tarts I think to myself: "These don't look as good in real life as they do in the commercial." Then I realize if I wanted to have Pop-Tarts look as good as they do in commercials, I'd probably have to put up with those dipshit kids on skateboards they always feature in the commercials. I figure I'm better off with worse Pop-Tarts.

Lots of times when I hear a song, I think that it fades out too quickly. I think if I were making the song, I'd fade it out properly. Then I think I wouldn't have been good enough to make the song in the first place, and I'd be coke-addled. The last thing I want to be is addled. Unless it's addled with macaroni. That I wouldn't mind. I say that now, but who knows what the future may hold?

I'd like to teach the world to sing, because, man, they really suck at it now. Then maybe they can teach me something useful in return, like fishing, because I'm not very good at that. Then again, I'm not very good at singing either, which kind of makes this whole thing moot. Maybe the world and I can just get together and play Scrabble or something instead.

Boob. Fart.