Honky-Tonk Rodeo Clown Seeks Same For Ovulation And General Good Timery

Have you ever taken a shit and then gone to wash your hands and had chocolate stains all over your shirt? I tell you, it is an odd duck of an experience. Because you know you just ate a candy bar and you know you didn't juggle your leavings this time, but something in the back of your mind still tells you these awful, awful things. Looking at the man in the mirror, he is not yourself, just some wierd fellah with brown stains on his shirt. You start to contemplate how you became this charecter you see before you, until you decide to switch shirts. The difficulty, of course, is switching shirts without anyone noticing. Thankfully this has not really been an issue yet because when it happened last night everyone else had gone to sleep. I had to put up with no embarresing questions or accusations, which tends to happen when you give men beer and chicken wings. They accuse, crack wise, belch. But they do not tolerate chocolate on your shirt. This cannot be tolerated.

I can't eat candy for a week now, anyway; it is Chinese New Year and that is bad news bears to do so. I am neither Chinese nor a member of the Carrot Patrol, but I'll go along with my roommates reques because I ain't want no shit from him if he sees me riding the Kit Kat pony, plus it couldn't hurt to forgo the sweet stuff for a week. I'm not religious, supersticious or traditional by many means, but I tend to go along with things out of a "Whatever" outlook on life, followed closely by a non-commital shrug ofthe shoulders. If you plan to shrug, don't make it look too obvious that you prepared your thought process in advance and have several sheets of notebook paper plotting the angle, trajectory, impact and timing of the shrug lining the walls of your bathroom. Nay, make it look nonchalant, like you shrug all the time and this is just one of those times that you are doing it. I promise you, little questions will be asked if you play it smooth. You can do this. Anyhow, yeah. I figure it don't matter much either way on the candy issue so I might as well adhere to the customs of our Communist brothers, right? Plus I basically just do what other people tell me to anyway; it is easier than having to write lists or buy Post-It notes.

I was eating what I thought was an innocent candy bar, one that causes not a lot of trouble, but I guess this one had a vendetta. Plus I had like 10 beers. A seemingly harmless Snickers bar (though it could have been the Kit Kat bar I had too, maybe the two in conjunction, the sneaky bastards) seemed to have found bits of it's chocolate onto my shirt prior to my using the restroom. It was only after my deuce that I realized this. This caused the confusion, as I figured it had to be the candy bar, yet I still was racking my brain trying to figure out ways that it might have been shit.

1. Did I lose my watch in the bowl?
2. Did I black out for a second and do a faceplant into the small civilization I just conjured up?
3. Did I feel the shirt was missing key elements of brown coloration and used my quick thinking skills to utilize the tools I had around me?
4. Maybe that wasn't toilet paper.
5. Maybe the me from the mirror dimension has some issues he ought to see a specialist about.

No, none of these seemed as plausible as the candy bar. But the fact that it was a Snickers got me. I expect this from Carmello, maybe even Twix, but overall Snickers tends to be one of the goodguys when it comes to hand smudges. I usually eat it while still partially wrapped, too. But, I guess this kind of thing happens to the best of candy bars, we all just have to deal with it at some point. It was just unfortunate the timing had to be as it was.

It is the year of the dog coming up, and all.