This Title Is An Inside Joke That Only I And Maybe One Other Person Will Get, To The Rest It Will Seem Random And Confusing
I haven't written in a while, have I. And the last ones I did write were silly and made no damn sense. What does this say to you? Analyze my situation, type up a 1200 word essay, send it to me and I will take note.
To me, it says I'm bored. At first I use the boredom to come up with silliness that is likely amusing only to myself. Then the boredom prevents me from having anything to write at all. There's no way I would burden you people with the potential crappy entries I could've spewed out. No. So instead I say nothing.
Yesterday was my birthday. Everyone forgot, even me. Birthdays never really meant a whole lot to me, plus the 19th and 20th birthdays are just lumps of shit to jump on on the way to the other side of the toilet of manhood. I didn't do anything special for my birthday. I didn't even eat cake. (I had a Zebra Cake, I don't know if that counts. There were no candles on it.) You know what I did? Same thing I do every day. Watch television and play Earthworm Jim. I am a waste of life.
All my friends are busy with finals. I am not. Maybe I should be. I really don't have much to do. Studying has never really been a terribly amount of trouble for me, at least not to the extent that others have. I have no qualms staying up all night the night before a test, neither do I have qualms not reading the material. I do well. I am awesome.
Even if my friends were not busy with finals I would not see myself doing anything. It is a handy excuse that they are all busy because I can tell myself it is their fault I am alone and not mine. I have trouble calling other people to do things because I never have anything to do. None of my relationships with anyone here is particularly strong; there is no implied hanging out and I rarely receive a call from anyone.
I am leaving here soon. This summer I am going home to Minnesota, and I am staying there. I love Chicago, but I never felt right here. This is not where I belong. My friend last year had a moment similar to this where she realized she could no longer go to this school and had to return home. I didn't understand it at the time. I had no particular issue with the school or the city or anyone I spent time with. I did not get why she felt like she felt. Now I feel the same. She was my best friend here. She left. Our group lost a staple. I didn't feel the same connection to any of my friends from last year. I can't assign blame to any particular thing to how I feel now, but this year has been quite different from last year. I hardly go out. I go to concerts alone. My assumed weekend activites are no longer getting drunk and acting a fool but rather sleeping in a little later and maybe getting a sandwich at a local eatery alone. This is not the friend who left's fault, it is mine. Upon her absence I was suddenly faced with the challenge of making social connections with people without any sort of buffer or fall-back, and I didn't put forth the effort. I didn't care. I hated people. I wanted to sit alone, ignore my roommates and clack on the computer. Past tense is unneccesary here as I am still feeling this.
I have friends back home. Back home I will hang out with my buddies from high school. Back home I will feel more comfortable in my social situation, I will be more productive, creative and stable. Back home I will see all the same things I've been seeing my whole life. Friends will call me and I will call them. I will feel better about myself and will feel better about life. Back home I will still be depressed. Back home I will hide it better. The people around me will like me rather than tolerate me. I will watch less TV. I will read more books. I will do better in school. I will have a job and pay less money. Back home I will be back home.
I love Chicago. I love it like a woman I've been married to for 20 years. It has a lot to offer me and we've had a lot of fun early on, but now I don't see the same things in her. I come home from work and watch television while Chicago cooks in the kitchen, unappreciated. I love Minnesota. Minnesota is the high school flame, full of highs, lows, fond memories and broken hearts. Chicago has shown me many good times, but the passion is gone. I would prefer to be depressed in Minnesota than blase in Chicago.
I didn't make an effort. Would things have different if I had? Would I like this city better? What if my friend didn't leave last year? Would I instead have better social situations here and want to stay? Would my options for things to do be wider? Does this situation happen on its own, did I bring it on myself or is it someone elses fault? Does is even matter? I'm skipping out. I'm ditching all these people I sort of know and going back to someplace comfortable. Back home.
My roommates are getting a different place. I never felt I really connected with them, even though one of them was my friend from, you guessed it, back home. He was in my band. I've known him longer than I've known some of my other friends. What the hell happened? We chat, we hang out, we shoot the shit and get drunk. But things are different now. We sort of avoid each other, subconsciously, and don't do anything together. My roommates and I hardly go out to eat as a group. We hardly do anything together. Hell, we hardly do anything, period. Did they bring me into this? Did I bring them into this? Did we bring each other? Are we friends, or do we just live together? What if I move in with another of my friends and the same thing happens? What if it's all in my head? If I'm inventing this distance between us in my mind, I am likely also feeding it by acting on this perceived notion that may not have existed.
So I am 20. As a friend pointed out, in many countries I would be considered a full-grown man. I am not a man. I might as well still be 17 years old. All that's changed in the last 3 years is I've gotten more depressed. I've also gotten more happy. Certain points of my life have been the happiest I've ever experienced, others have been the lowest. This year has been neither. This is quite possibly the most bored I've ever been. I feel nothing. Is it the age? The school? The city? The people around me? What the fuck, mang?
Who cares. I'm going back home. I turn my back on this place. Things will be better. Things will be the same. Things will be worse. But things will be, dammit, and that's all that I'm looking for.
To me, it says I'm bored. At first I use the boredom to come up with silliness that is likely amusing only to myself. Then the boredom prevents me from having anything to write at all. There's no way I would burden you people with the potential crappy entries I could've spewed out. No. So instead I say nothing.
Yesterday was my birthday. Everyone forgot, even me. Birthdays never really meant a whole lot to me, plus the 19th and 20th birthdays are just lumps of shit to jump on on the way to the other side of the toilet of manhood. I didn't do anything special for my birthday. I didn't even eat cake. (I had a Zebra Cake, I don't know if that counts. There were no candles on it.) You know what I did? Same thing I do every day. Watch television and play Earthworm Jim. I am a waste of life.
All my friends are busy with finals. I am not. Maybe I should be. I really don't have much to do. Studying has never really been a terribly amount of trouble for me, at least not to the extent that others have. I have no qualms staying up all night the night before a test, neither do I have qualms not reading the material. I do well. I am awesome.
Even if my friends were not busy with finals I would not see myself doing anything. It is a handy excuse that they are all busy because I can tell myself it is their fault I am alone and not mine. I have trouble calling other people to do things because I never have anything to do. None of my relationships with anyone here is particularly strong; there is no implied hanging out and I rarely receive a call from anyone.
I am leaving here soon. This summer I am going home to Minnesota, and I am staying there. I love Chicago, but I never felt right here. This is not where I belong. My friend last year had a moment similar to this where she realized she could no longer go to this school and had to return home. I didn't understand it at the time. I had no particular issue with the school or the city or anyone I spent time with. I did not get why she felt like she felt. Now I feel the same. She was my best friend here. She left. Our group lost a staple. I didn't feel the same connection to any of my friends from last year. I can't assign blame to any particular thing to how I feel now, but this year has been quite different from last year. I hardly go out. I go to concerts alone. My assumed weekend activites are no longer getting drunk and acting a fool but rather sleeping in a little later and maybe getting a sandwich at a local eatery alone. This is not the friend who left's fault, it is mine. Upon her absence I was suddenly faced with the challenge of making social connections with people without any sort of buffer or fall-back, and I didn't put forth the effort. I didn't care. I hated people. I wanted to sit alone, ignore my roommates and clack on the computer. Past tense is unneccesary here as I am still feeling this.
I have friends back home. Back home I will hang out with my buddies from high school. Back home I will feel more comfortable in my social situation, I will be more productive, creative and stable. Back home I will see all the same things I've been seeing my whole life. Friends will call me and I will call them. I will feel better about myself and will feel better about life. Back home I will still be depressed. Back home I will hide it better. The people around me will like me rather than tolerate me. I will watch less TV. I will read more books. I will do better in school. I will have a job and pay less money. Back home I will be back home.
I love Chicago. I love it like a woman I've been married to for 20 years. It has a lot to offer me and we've had a lot of fun early on, but now I don't see the same things in her. I come home from work and watch television while Chicago cooks in the kitchen, unappreciated. I love Minnesota. Minnesota is the high school flame, full of highs, lows, fond memories and broken hearts. Chicago has shown me many good times, but the passion is gone. I would prefer to be depressed in Minnesota than blase in Chicago.
I didn't make an effort. Would things have different if I had? Would I like this city better? What if my friend didn't leave last year? Would I instead have better social situations here and want to stay? Would my options for things to do be wider? Does this situation happen on its own, did I bring it on myself or is it someone elses fault? Does is even matter? I'm skipping out. I'm ditching all these people I sort of know and going back to someplace comfortable. Back home.
My roommates are getting a different place. I never felt I really connected with them, even though one of them was my friend from, you guessed it, back home. He was in my band. I've known him longer than I've known some of my other friends. What the hell happened? We chat, we hang out, we shoot the shit and get drunk. But things are different now. We sort of avoid each other, subconsciously, and don't do anything together. My roommates and I hardly go out to eat as a group. We hardly do anything together. Hell, we hardly do anything, period. Did they bring me into this? Did I bring them into this? Did we bring each other? Are we friends, or do we just live together? What if I move in with another of my friends and the same thing happens? What if it's all in my head? If I'm inventing this distance between us in my mind, I am likely also feeding it by acting on this perceived notion that may not have existed.
So I am 20. As a friend pointed out, in many countries I would be considered a full-grown man. I am not a man. I might as well still be 17 years old. All that's changed in the last 3 years is I've gotten more depressed. I've also gotten more happy. Certain points of my life have been the happiest I've ever experienced, others have been the lowest. This year has been neither. This is quite possibly the most bored I've ever been. I feel nothing. Is it the age? The school? The city? The people around me? What the fuck, mang?
Who cares. I'm going back home. I turn my back on this place. Things will be better. Things will be the same. Things will be worse. But things will be, dammit, and that's all that I'm looking for.
posted by MC Harv at 7:26 PM
5 Comments:
aw, man. chin up. happy birthday to you. you make me want to go to minnesota, too. can i go? can i just walk away from this mess i have here and have it be better in minnesota? i hope that is the answer. i hope you feel better when you get there. it's a shame, as bad as you want it, that you can't go right now. make the best of it, i guess. you have a light at the end of the tunnel. not far now, papa smurf.
Why do I always think people's brithdays are not when they are?
Anyway, I can't promise much for next year other than I intend to make your ticket purchase needs go down and entertainment will reign supreme.
Pczwa! Rza and Gza's signature pizza creation.
-Thomas
Ironically, that is exactly how i feel.
Happy belated birthday, Jack! Your blog is still awesome.
happy brithday, love.
hey Jack,
this may seem abrupt, me just leaving a random comment on your page like this, but I et the idea on where your coming from as I feel the same way on my campus. I already live by myself, though, so that doesn't help.
I guess all I'd wanna say is that how you feel isn't to terrible, repressing it is worse, but above all that, don't spend your time waiting, it only makes things harder.
hope you feel better.
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