That Put Me In The Mood For Cookies And Gay Sex

Warning: You may not like me after this post. But at least you can't claim you haven't been warned.

So everybody's getting all deep on Blogger, huh? Everybody's using this as an outlet for their "feelings" and "emotions"... What happened to the good old days when we all realized blogging is for dipshits? The days in which we'd read other people's blogs who wrote this kind of shit and posted about how much they suck? Back before we had our little "community" and no one really gave that much of a shit what people thought about when they posted because they knew no one was going to read it anyway. Back when I could not post for (gasp) five days and not get messages wondering if I'm still alive. Back when I was lonely and sad, but chose not to write about it because that shit's dumb and even if no one's reading it, no one one would want to. It's fucking weird as hell for me to know people actually read this now. I feel like now I have some standard to live up to when a write a post, as though evey single one has to be a masterpiece and it's a competition of which post can get the most comments. A part of me (that I don't like very much) checks my e-mail 30 times a day in hopes that someone posted a comment on one of my posts. I'd get really excited when I'd see people respond. But now I feel as though if I don't post something brilliant, someone's gonna get on my ass about it. I started this blog because I was bored. It gave me an outlet to post dumb shit when I had time to do so. Now I feel as though I have to post something every day or so or else a lynch mob will encircle me with an e-noose and demand I bitch about something else. I don't often have things I feel like I want to write about. Yeah, it pisses me off when people don't post for a while, but I'd much rather save up and write something really good than write some bullshit en masse. And now to stick with the trend I feel like I should post something about some life-affirming experience or some heartfelt Hallmark shit... Fuck that. Yeah, I got feelings. I think this kind of shit is important, the exorcising of demons and letting people know they're important to you and all that hooplah. But none of you reading give a shit, and if you do, you shouldn't because it's dumb. I feel dumb writing hokum clap-trap, so I'm not going to.

I don't mean to go against anybody nor do I intend to tell you what you can and cannot write about. I guess I'm just kind of pissed off at the concept of blogging right now. Everything I think about, everything I do, everything I am, a part of my mind thinks: "That would make a good blog post". Actually more often than not, it works the other way around: I think to myself "What would make a good blog post? I need to post one today or else someone I've never met will be angry with me..." and then try desperately to take a recent aspect of my life and write something about it. But shit doesn't happen to me. I often don't have anything I feel I should write about. And I certainly don't want to turn into one of those blogs that simply tells whats going on in my life. First off, my life is boring. You don't want to hear about it, and I don't want to type about it. Secondly, there's nothing to it. There's no originality, no creativity, not even any thought. The people that simply post what happened in their day aren't interesting.

But then this got me thinking: Who gives a shit if it's interesting? No one expects them to be interesting; they're really more for the person writing's sake. It's not about who reads the post, it's about who writes it. Which is different for those of us with blogs that people actually read. I used to be one of those people, and I wrote about whatever the fuck I wanted. I actually tended to post more often when I had no readers. Now people read this, and I feel like I don't want to disappoint them. I have something to live up to now. And when I'm busy one weekend and can't post, or can't come up with anything to post, I feel bad because people actually care now. I suppose this is what I wanted: I wanted people to read my writings and recognize that I am awesome. And, believe me, I appreciate every single reader I have, more than you'll ever know (because I'll never do a post saying so). I love it that people read my stuff. I think it's really cool that someone actually gives a shit if I'm not around for a while. It's very, uh, life-affirming and heartfelt. I like it when people respond and my post becomes a discussion topic. I like it when I make a mistake and someone corrects me on it with a tone of pretension, because that means they actually paid attention. I think it's more of a personal issue more than an issue with my readers: I think my shit is stupid. Blogging is dumb. I'm dumb. Stuff I write is stupid. Why does anyone care about this shit? I think the sense of self-deprecating self-hatred in my posts actually adds something to them, because it takes the edge off of wanting to write something good. I know going into it I can't write anything good, so it actually comes out good in the end because I didn't expect it to be. But this self-hatred also helps me recognize when what I'm writing is complete bullshit, and it helps me see others bullshit too. I write posts decrying other people and other bloggers constantly, because they're full of shit. I guess the end purpose of this post is: I don't want to see the rest of you turn out that way. I don't really have that much of a problem with lovey-doveying up and getting all deep and heavy-handed, but be forewarned that you could easily become everyone you (or, more acurrately, I) hate.