You Should Change Your Name To Mashed Potatoes

So, here goes my first attempt at a requested post. If you have a request, post a comment here. This one's about headphones.

I love headphones. I really, truly do. I came to fully realize this while living in a city that tends to have people come up to you and ask you for shit. Human contact is not usually on my to do list, so I love to able to drown myself in the world of music and pretend I can't hear or notice anyone. If some Children International fuck tries to get me to care about the events in our world, I simply motion towards my muffed ears and make some gesture implying "Sorry, these give me immunity from having to give a shit!" and keep walking on my merry way. Though in the case of last weekend, I would very much have enjoyed a jambox to carry on my shoulder not only to compliment the day and my music choice, but also so I didn't completely look like a fool dancing to music that no one else could hear. It depends on my mood. Mostly I'm in an angry, self-and-others-loathing mood that causes me to don the Senny cans, but sometimes I'm about togetherness and community through music. But only through my music. Your music sucks. Mine is awesome and yours is bad. Your music is bad and you should feel bad.

But, as with everything else that I love this much, I also hate it with a fiery passion. Because of course if I love something, it must find a way to piss me off. I keep my cool like Biz Markie, but little things like CD player skipping or shit like that set me off like a wound up car toy you used to get in Happy Meals. My headphones always manage to get entangled in something or in knots or unable to be found, and my eyes twitch and I begin to curse nonsensibly like the Looney Tunes. As far as life span goes, these bitches are lasting me a while. I made sure to get the good ones, as I've found I can no longer tolerate anything less. Earbug style, especially those damned iPod shits, piss me off. I've never been one to stick things into an orifice in order to listen to music. They're called headphones for a reason. They go on your head, not in your ear. I don't give a shit how portable they are or how able you are to put them in your gleaming little pocket. Earbug headphones are like earwax magnets. Only q-tips and tounges should go in your ear, end of story.

My past headphones were all $1 pieces of shit I bought at a gas station because my last $1 piece of shit had broken earlier that day. Several of them I found on the ground. One of my favorites was the retractable ones, you know, the one that folds in on itself? Yeah. Those were cool because they fit in my pocket but didn't go into my ear like some mind-control device from Farhenheit 451. But they had that shitty blue styrophoam shitty shit shit on them and didn't last me very long. They got ripped apart and then broke and then snapped and then the wire broke and then I lost them. I would've kept wearing them after all that if I hadn't lost them, because my only other alternative were those pissy ear-huggers that go around the back of your ears. Ick. Those shits hurt my frail little ears. I can't wear them for any extended period of time without feeling like the back of my ear has contracted an STD. Taking them off is like removing a band-aid from your penis. Those appear to have a long life, but I'd much rather have a piece of shit that's going to fail on me in two days then headphones that give my ears the crotch-rot feeling.

Now that I've got my Sennheiser cans, I'm set for a while. Though it is bothersome to try to shove that much cord length into my pocket, especially when I have other things of importance in there that potentially need retrieval. I especially hate in when I put my CD player in my coat pocket, which has a hole in it (wouldn't you know it), and the CD player falls in it and the cord gets all tangled the fuck up. Actually, whats been happening of late is, since there are actually too very distinct holes in my pocket, I have to retrieve it from the lining when it falls, but I get it from the wrong hole and the whole thing gets in one big jumble. And there's usually about fifty dozen knots in the cord already. I swear, there's Gremlins or some sort of small mythical creature that has starred in a mainstream movie (because how else would I know about them?) living under my bed who comes out at night and tangles my cord, because I see no possible way it could get knots in it if I untied all of them the night before and hadn't touched it since. This happens almost every morning.

My math teacher once went on a rant about how he hates headphones because they've turned America into a self-centered, uncaring bunch who don't listen to others or communicate in our day-to-day endeavors. Or at least I think that's what he said. I wasn't really paying attention. My thoughts on that are that nobody really wants to communicate with anyone anyway. If we're going to be steadily ignoring everyone, we might as well have something to rock out to while we do so.