Your Son Just Had Intercourse With Baggy Breasts

Howdy, all? How are we doing today? I am doing alright.

Ok, that's enough of that.

Universality is an interesting concept in certain cases. It's a well-known fact that all human beings breathe. All human beings need food and water to survive. These are obvious. So much so that I'm considering going back and erasing this entire post for being stupid. But, no, I'm going somewhere with this. I'm going to venture to say that all guys do the shake thing after they piss. I know I do it, and I've seen it done in movies and talked about it with friends. But is this universal concept intrinsic to human behavior? Did we pick this up naturally? I don't recall being taught this little ritual. No father I know hauls their son into the bathroom when they're five for a father-son bonding moment in which the father explains to his son the art of shaking excess urine from one's penis. Did we pick it up because everyone else was doing it? If so, who was the first person to come up with this? If someone were born on a desert island and never saw another human being and was not familiar with the shake phenomenon, would they shake? I suppose that's not the best hypothetical, as I know full well if I never saw another human being I would piss anywhere I could all the time and not give a shit if there was some collateral damage, but (hopefully) that's just me.

There are other examples of universals as well, all conveniently involving the penis to some capacity. When I was young I was frightened that someone would find out I hump my pillow and think I'm a freak of nature. Now I know there is a good portion of men who did the same thing whilst young and exploratory. My little mind is retroactivly put at ease knowing everyone likes ejaculating. Who'da thunk it, huh? I was talking to my freind about involuntary night-masturbation, you know, when you're dreaming and you're half asleep and the compulsion to play downstairs pinball just hits you like a ton of sexually attractive bricks. For me, it's always a tad odd to do so when the roommate's asleep, but I'm half-asleep and can't really help myself. There are also awkward times in which I'll start and go at it for an hour or so and give up because I'm tired. I feel like both the stereotypical male and female counterpart in this situation: Half of me is frustrated that I didn't come, and the other half is still horny as fuck but can't quite cross the finish line. On top of that, I have this friggin' hard horny hinderance getting in my way when I try to turn over. At this point masturbation becomes less about pleasure and more about trying to get this pissy little boner bastard to go away. I was discussing this phenomenon with a female freind, so I assumed this was a pretty universal concept if it crossed the cock-cunt embargo. But when brought up around other freinds, they were confused and thought the whole thing was bizarre and couldn't comprehend. So how do I interpret this? Is this a universal that hasn't happened to them yet? Is it partially universal? Is it not universal and am I just a freak with enough horn-juice to create a new 7-Up spin-off? I know morning wood seems to be a pretty universal occurance, so why wouldn't chopping this wood also be a universal occurance? I don't know.

Part of this whole thing is me trying to justify the wierd shit I do by saying "Oh, everyone does it." This may or may not be true, but it certainly makes me feel better whenever that head of lettuce starts looking pretty sexy. It's a natural tendency to try to justify your actions, even if it's silly ultimately to search for validation. I guess so long as nobody eats a salad anytime soon it doesn't really matter whether what I do is justified or not.

Ok. Goodbye.