Forty-Five Pounds Of Nipple Scraping Mayhem
Oh man oh man oh man how I would love to be a journalist at a local free entertainment digest! It would be so damn easy! All I'd have to is pump some dumb shit out onto a piece of paper six minutes before the deadline and go on my merry way, paycheck in hand! What I've noticed in my time as a (shudder) "blogger" is that most of the people who write for free are actually much better than those who get paid! Seriously, get that kid who loves My Chemical Romance and types lIKe ThiS% , get them a good editor and they could be writing front page material! The main stories on these rags are whatever the topic around the office is, and most of the material is quotes from other people or opinions picked from Ed in accounting; fill in a few blanks, punctuate punctuate punctuate, end on a high note saying something larger about society, and you got yourself a story! It's beautiful! I would do just great as an in-depth reporter in a free entertainment digest:
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THE ARTIST WARMER-LY KNOWN AS GLOBAL
by Jack Spencer
You can't walk a few steps without hearing about it: Global Warming. There it is, on the tips of everyone's tongue. But is this current phenomena just a theory, or could it affect your life? "Global warming is definitely real, and it is changing the world around us," says Guy Calhoun, someone I found on the street a couple seconds ago, wearing a black Germs T-Shirt. "Pollution and littering, now this. Holes in the ozone layer." So how has this "global warming" issue changed the way we see the planet? I took a stroll down Armitage yesterday as part of my in-depth field study. I noticed I was crunching leaves, a past-time of mine since I was a child. I also noticed I was not wearing a sweater. Here I was, in a short-sleeved shirt, doing what I had always done in more layers. If that's not proof enough for you, here's a scientist I contacted by phone. "What?" questioned Dr. Lydia Barney, PhD. "Who is this? What are you calling about?" Wake up and smell the Global Warming, doctor. It smells like change. Change for America, and the hometown that this paper is written in. Go Sox. So the next time you are rolling down your window to throw a smokestack out of your moving car, think of me, walking these lone streets, crunching leaves in a shirt. I hope then, maybe, you'll see the terror of your ways.
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Or! Or! I could be the guy on the front page, the coloumnist or whomever, the guy who has the word "humor" next to him but you feel uncomfortable calling him that because he sounds like Paul Reiser on an off day! That guy's probably got the best job of all, basically just blogging for money. "Johnson! Write a 75 word essay on what you think about anti-bacterial soap!" Man. That'd be sweet.
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GOD, IT JUST REALLY PISSES ME OFF
by Jack Spencer
Do you ever get on the subway and you see that guy? You know, that guy, the one with all those annoying habits that I'll mention in just a bit? God! That guy! It's like he's sitting there, making out with his girlfriend, when all of a sudden his phone rings, and his ringtone is the theme from Bosom Buddies! Then he answers it, and he's all yelling about his personal life! Just yelling away, like there was noooooooooooooobody else on the train or something! God! Then like this microwave dings and his mini-pizzas are ready, and he's all eating them really loud, with big smacks and dripping all over his suit! God! He doesn't even ask me if I wanted any! I didn't even, but he could've thought to ask! No, but he'd probably all yell it in my face, then go on about his dying grandmother! God! If I have to hear the words "terminal cancer" one more time, I'm going to upchuck (they won't let me say anything worse than that...)! God, and he's like just being really loud an obnoxious for like the whole twenty-five minutes that I've been staring at him intently, like he has no social skills at all! Like, where did you grow up, Dingus-berry-town? The town for Dingus-Berries to live? What the heck darn shoot? I almost wanted to get my hand out of my pants and walk out at the next stop I was so annoyed, I totally should've, I totally should've. God, this guy!
But I learned something that day: Don't judge a book by its cover. The end.
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Also a big fan of "the list guy", the guy who makes a top ten list of something and writes a little unclever blurb about each one.
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TOP TEN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS TIDBITS
by Jack "Sleuth-Mo-Graph!" Spencer
10. KANYE WEST
He is currently popular. KANYE he keep it up? (Kanye, in this sentence is meant to stand for "Can yay", as in this is a joke. Go back and read it again.)
9. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Yowza! Wouldn't mind borrowing some sugar from these ladies! Gonna make me the most bad-ass cake in the Earth!
8. MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSON
Did someone order ribs??? (Sorry, David Spade, that shoulda been yours.)
7. BRADJENGELDINGJALINA
I'd tap that. Which one, you ask? Mystery....
6. MADONNA - QUEEN KABALLAH???
Looks like the Material Girl has a few choice words to say about the Material World! (I guess, like, it's ironic cuz she used to have this song, see...)
5. PARIS HILTON V. NICOLE RITCHIE
Remember that sex video Paris made? The green one? Get ready, I'm about to allude to it.
4. THE O.C.
A show about rich, white Californians? Fucking finally!!! (Sorry I swore, Mom, I think my boss might change it to "freakin'" or "friendly" in the final draft.)
3. BRUCE WILLIS ON THAT 70'S SHOW
Oh man, Mr. "Die Hard" is gonna "Try Hard" not to get jealous of his ex-lovers new boy toy, half his age! He'll have to use his Sixth Sense to not Apocolypse the Armaggedon Fifth Element Jackal Siege Bruno the Kid Whole Nine Yards Look Who's Talking Too!!!!!! WITH A VENGEANCE!!!!!!
2. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: THROAT TROUBLES
Wait, isn't that one show... that, like... I dunno.
1. REALITY TV
It is so awesome. It is so awesome.
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Or, actually, best of all is the little back page blurbs, the one paragraph no-effort pandering to advertisers quickies. I'll bet I'd make a mint on those, busting out fifty in a half hour.
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MOVE OVER, STARBUCKS!
by Jack Spencer
Burger King is now selling coffee, called "BK Joe". Is it good? Burger King says "Yes". We say "Listen to everything Burger King has to say".
AVIAN FLU: MOVE OVER, KFC!
by Jack Spencer
Uh, this might just kill us all. But did you read about Burger King and that coffee thing? Awesome, huh?
FROZEN SENATE: BRRR!
by Jack Spencer
The Senate held a secret meeting to investigate the intelligence of weapons inspectors. I think. Hope they make a couple BK pitstops, in case they get tired (see above).
MOVE OVER, HOLLYWOODPLACE!
by Jack Spencer
Talks of a movie! Someone, somewhere, gonna make one, and we'll probably watch it!
MOVE OVER, JACK SPENCER!
by Jack Spencer
I just lost my job. Hope we've had some fun, guys, be sure to read my journal on Xanga, and do yourself a favor and grab some BK Joe. I heard it was kinda good.
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Those of you who I'm mocking, you know who you are. Either give me a job or feel ashamed.
-----------------------------------------------------------
THE ARTIST WARMER-LY KNOWN AS GLOBAL
by Jack Spencer
You can't walk a few steps without hearing about it: Global Warming. There it is, on the tips of everyone's tongue. But is this current phenomena just a theory, or could it affect your life? "Global warming is definitely real, and it is changing the world around us," says Guy Calhoun, someone I found on the street a couple seconds ago, wearing a black Germs T-Shirt. "Pollution and littering, now this. Holes in the ozone layer." So how has this "global warming" issue changed the way we see the planet? I took a stroll down Armitage yesterday as part of my in-depth field study. I noticed I was crunching leaves, a past-time of mine since I was a child. I also noticed I was not wearing a sweater. Here I was, in a short-sleeved shirt, doing what I had always done in more layers. If that's not proof enough for you, here's a scientist I contacted by phone. "What?" questioned Dr. Lydia Barney, PhD. "Who is this? What are you calling about?" Wake up and smell the Global Warming, doctor. It smells like change. Change for America, and the hometown that this paper is written in. Go Sox. So the next time you are rolling down your window to throw a smokestack out of your moving car, think of me, walking these lone streets, crunching leaves in a shirt. I hope then, maybe, you'll see the terror of your ways.
------------------------------------------------------------
Or! Or! I could be the guy on the front page, the coloumnist or whomever, the guy who has the word "humor" next to him but you feel uncomfortable calling him that because he sounds like Paul Reiser on an off day! That guy's probably got the best job of all, basically just blogging for money. "Johnson! Write a 75 word essay on what you think about anti-bacterial soap!" Man. That'd be sweet.
------------------------------------------------------------
GOD, IT JUST REALLY PISSES ME OFF
by Jack Spencer
Do you ever get on the subway and you see that guy? You know, that guy, the one with all those annoying habits that I'll mention in just a bit? God! That guy! It's like he's sitting there, making out with his girlfriend, when all of a sudden his phone rings, and his ringtone is the theme from Bosom Buddies! Then he answers it, and he's all yelling about his personal life! Just yelling away, like there was noooooooooooooobody else on the train or something! God! Then like this microwave dings and his mini-pizzas are ready, and he's all eating them really loud, with big smacks and dripping all over his suit! God! He doesn't even ask me if I wanted any! I didn't even, but he could've thought to ask! No, but he'd probably all yell it in my face, then go on about his dying grandmother! God! If I have to hear the words "terminal cancer" one more time, I'm going to upchuck (they won't let me say anything worse than that...)! God, and he's like just being really loud an obnoxious for like the whole twenty-five minutes that I've been staring at him intently, like he has no social skills at all! Like, where did you grow up, Dingus-berry-town? The town for Dingus-Berries to live? What the heck darn shoot? I almost wanted to get my hand out of my pants and walk out at the next stop I was so annoyed, I totally should've, I totally should've. God, this guy!
But I learned something that day: Don't judge a book by its cover. The end.
------------------------------------------------------------
Also a big fan of "the list guy", the guy who makes a top ten list of something and writes a little unclever blurb about each one.
------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS TIDBITS
by Jack "Sleuth-Mo-Graph!" Spencer
10. KANYE WEST
He is currently popular. KANYE he keep it up? (Kanye, in this sentence is meant to stand for "Can yay", as in this is a joke. Go back and read it again.)
9. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Yowza! Wouldn't mind borrowing some sugar from these ladies! Gonna make me the most bad-ass cake in the Earth!
8. MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSON
Did someone order ribs??? (Sorry, David Spade, that shoulda been yours.)
7. BRADJENGELDINGJALINA
I'd tap that. Which one, you ask? Mystery....
6. MADONNA - QUEEN KABALLAH???
Looks like the Material Girl has a few choice words to say about the Material World! (I guess, like, it's ironic cuz she used to have this song, see...)
5. PARIS HILTON V. NICOLE RITCHIE
Remember that sex video Paris made? The green one? Get ready, I'm about to allude to it.
4. THE O.C.
A show about rich, white Californians? Fucking finally!!! (Sorry I swore, Mom, I think my boss might change it to "freakin'" or "friendly" in the final draft.)
3. BRUCE WILLIS ON THAT 70'S SHOW
Oh man, Mr. "Die Hard" is gonna "Try Hard" not to get jealous of his ex-lovers new boy toy, half his age! He'll have to use his Sixth Sense to not Apocolypse the Armaggedon Fifth Element Jackal Siege Bruno the Kid Whole Nine Yards Look Who's Talking Too!!!!!! WITH A VENGEANCE!!!!!!
2. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: THROAT TROUBLES
Wait, isn't that one show... that, like... I dunno.
1. REALITY TV
It is so awesome. It is so awesome.
------------------------------------------------------
Or, actually, best of all is the little back page blurbs, the one paragraph no-effort pandering to advertisers quickies. I'll bet I'd make a mint on those, busting out fifty in a half hour.
-------------------------------------------------------
MOVE OVER, STARBUCKS!
by Jack Spencer
Burger King is now selling coffee, called "BK Joe". Is it good? Burger King says "Yes". We say "Listen to everything Burger King has to say".
AVIAN FLU: MOVE OVER, KFC!
by Jack Spencer
Uh, this might just kill us all. But did you read about Burger King and that coffee thing? Awesome, huh?
FROZEN SENATE: BRRR!
by Jack Spencer
The Senate held a secret meeting to investigate the intelligence of weapons inspectors. I think. Hope they make a couple BK pitstops, in case they get tired (see above).
MOVE OVER, HOLLYWOODPLACE!
by Jack Spencer
Talks of a movie! Someone, somewhere, gonna make one, and we'll probably watch it!
MOVE OVER, JACK SPENCER!
by Jack Spencer
I just lost my job. Hope we've had some fun, guys, be sure to read my journal on Xanga, and do yourself a favor and grab some BK Joe. I heard it was kinda good.
----------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who I'm mocking, you know who you are. Either give me a job or feel ashamed.
posted by MC Harv at 7:47 PM
11 Comments:
I think you need to start reading good free papers again. Chicago doesn't have many, but there's got to be one decent one. Besides, you don't want to freelance for a living ($40-$50 a story, sweet!).
Word Verfication: ourrx, sexy perscription drugs that belong to us all.
-Thomas
Jack Spencer, you are mad funny. I love you. I am still laughing very hard after reading that; other people in the computer carrol are giving me inquiring looks.
--Eva
it's a definite runner-up to your piece about the first day on the job at the gas station.
brilliant as usual, jack
words out of my mouth, sex. i came to say this was brilliant.
i made 20 calls to schedule interviews for writers/editors at work today. so do you freelance or what? $450 for a two page article...but only if you leave in the sarcasm.
$450 for a fukcking two-page? Where the hell is this place and when can they start sending me checks?
Jesus, enough of this $50 a story shit!
-Thomas
I would definitely try freelancing, especially for money like so.
baltimore. office with a window. $43K and benefits if you go full time...again, writing samples must contain sarcasm and you must be able to work with 5 hot chicks and one gay guy.
Clever, MB, a gay joke. Don't you have a CBS sitcom to go write for?
I don't think I can write anything without being sarcastic. See? That was friggin' doused in the shit. Doused.
Doused.
Baltimore ain't looking possible at the moment, I like to work from the corner of my hovel, hunched over with the dim flicker of a low watt lamp and the crumbs of stale bread all over my shirt, bitter feelings and the lonliness of an artist spilling into my veins.
Doused.
"baltimore. office with a window. $43K and benefits if you go full time...again, writing samples must contain sarcasm and you must be able to work with 5 hot chicks and one gay guy"
So, it's really a salary position?
*Sigh* Shopping freelance is probably my least favorite thing to do right now, especially since my clip file is all a/v at the moment.
-Thomas
thomas, please take over the a/v media clip library for me then. please....
jack, we could never work together anyway...too many blogger hits would show up in the IS department. i slip under the radar as one...
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