Gastral Weeks

Query: Does anyone else out there get "faux-farts"? Those moments when you're taking a test or something that involves a room full of silent people and you suddenly feel an oncoming riot of escaped convicts in the Alcatraz of your ass; you try with all your might to hold in what is bound to be an explosive and rather embarrassing expulsion of gas; one that doesn't just make noise, it makes a statement; one that doesn't just smell, it makes people legitimately worried about your health... You successfully prevent the fart from leaving, but in doing so a strange little noise occurs. The fart feels as if it is making its way back up into the northern hemisphere of your body, but in doing so it still makes a rather bombastic noise? This happened to me on Tuesday, and I looked about the silent room embarrassed, but I could not tell if anyone had noticed or not. Maybe they were busy with the test, maybe they were glancing at each other with such secrecy I failed to notice, or maybe I was in the rare classroom where not a single person is put off by a large trumpeting from the rumpeting. Or maybe only I heard the sound. Could it be that because I internalized the fart I also internalized its noise? This is really bizarre to me; though I did not actually fart, it sounded, to me at least, exactly as though I had. I'm curious about this, medically. What the hell happened? Did the noise happen? Was it my imagination? Was any of this... real??? Where am I??? Is anything EVEN GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!?!?


...Anyways. Sorry about my lack of presence. I promise much more activity in upcoming days.