Bantam Anthems

My album Bantam Anthems drops July 12th. This is not me being fanciful and silly or rife with overwrought and unnecessary sarcasm. There is an actual CD, of music, made by me that will be availabe on the date mentioned mere sentences ago. There is no instances of me singing in it: I do not believe "The Blogger" as our kind has come to be known should ever speak or emit sounds from their mouths. Their purpose is to convey information solely through petty word creation on internet journals and the occassional sad lonely message board. We are not to ever interact verbally, even if it is for purposes other than to say how much/little sex/cereal/stress at work/opinions of American Idol/patience for waiting rooms/eyebrows/desire to ride unicorns on submarines we've had lately. Such is the cruse bestowed upon the blogging community, but we all will take it with pride knowing that we have chosen our mode of communication, and it is rife with banality, lies and typos. Huzzah and raise your glass you gentle souls.

Um.

Well, yes. I have music that I made. Check out some of it in the darkest depths of the intronweb. It is all sample-based (i.e. STOLEN AND SEVERELY LACKING IN SOUL), it is all done by me (with mastering done by my main man Hershey), and it is destined for failure.

Soon I might have a way for people to buy it, which would make this message actually mean something.

Lance Your Boils To The Sweet Sounds Of The Monty Gaxton Explosion Of Aural Variations

Alright, I've holding this back for some time; I don't know how long exactly but several years at least. Jay Leno: SCREW-DLE YOU-DLE IN THE POOP POOP PLAZA. Ranting against Jay Leno as an individual, a concept or a chin is not new nor original. I do not care to accomplish such unnecessary feats here. I have been stewing about a particular joke he cracked during a monologue on his ill-deserved program a few years back:

"The band Megadeth broke up today. (pause for audience recognition; take time to shake chin, mug at guitar player, say "yeah, yeah, that's right") Yeah, turns out they ran through all the combinations of the three chords that they know." (audience laughs, they are not sure why as usual)

See, Jay, I know your staff writers write all your jokes and you just kind of garble them out, but this one should not have passed the rehearsal. You see, you are thinking of punk music, which is as a style stripped down, simple and focused on simple chord structures. Metal music, the type of music Megadeth plays as implied not only by the name but the drugs and hairstyles, is focused on virtuosity, skilled musicianship and varied, dramatized instrumentation. Punk music was spawned through a direct opposition to this style of music and is more akin to fit the profile of the joke you made than does Megadeth. Do not mistake: I have no affinity for Megadeth and I intend not to defend their honor here. This is a message to those who do not understand styles of music and the differences therein. Megadeth know more than three chords. They probably broke up for "artistic differences", bottles thrown to their extremities at concerts, losing a key member of the band to heart failure, drowning in vomit, or religion, Metallica-related lawsuit, or the collective realization that they were not a good band. They did not break up because of your oh-so-clever joke about unskilled musicianship. Piss on it, Jay Leno, for there is no ground for your barbs to be planted.