Fictional Conversations #2

cock_and_also_balls: dunny lets get sumthin a eat

jesusdeathcar69: i dont wanna

cock_and_also_balls: man how come why is it you never wanaa get nuthing to eat with me ever huh

jesusdeathcar69: my mother abused me

cock_and_also_balls: what dude

cock_and_also_balls: i aint no psycianalyst here so i dont know what that has to do with anything even though i am sorry

jesusdeathcar69: she abused me by not letting me suckle at her delicious teat

cock_and_also_balls: oh dude i dont know that i needed to hear that

jesusdeathcar69: why mother all i desire is your bosom and its juices

jesusdeathcar69: i hunger

cock_and_also_balls: enough dude, you are not funny

jesusdeathcar69: i hunger for your teat

jesusdeathcar69: teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat

cock_and_also_balls has signed off.

jesusdeathcar69: teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat teat teat

*** User cock_and_also_balls is not available.

jesusdeathcar69: trick or teat

*** User cock_and_also_balls is not available.

jesusdeathcar69: my sole wish is to ween upon thy incestuous nipple oh giver of my birth

*** User cock_and_also_balls is not available.

jesusdeathcar69: teat

*** User cock_and_also_balls is not available.

Fictional Conversations #1

jesusdeathcar69: aiight d00d dogg check this out yo: so i'm all on the johnny boy taking the deuce train to smellsville and you know i'm ploppin' like catholic babies and all so it gets clogged and i'm pissed right cuz if there's one thing i hate it be a clogged toiler boiler so i'm all goin at the tube with a plunger like i'm tryin to give it a baby and taint nuthin werkin and im all BALLS BALLS BALLS yellin aloud and whatbut you know really it aint a huge deal cuz my shit clogs tubes like every day you know how im talkin but what really took my gears and grinded was the fact that the plunger like inverted, ya know? like it popped backwards and like you can't really pop it back without it splashin poojuieice at you and it DID AND I'M ALL ANGRY GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

eliebowitz1: um my name is edgar and i am a pharmacist; not only do i not know you but i don't think my skills in pharmaceuticals can really help you sir

jesusdeathcar69: i aint even need help so muchh i just need to yell in CAPITAL LETTERS RAAAAR ARRRRG EXCLAMATION POINT GRRR

Auto response from eliebowitz1: I am away from my computer right now.

jesusdeathcar69: dammit edgar what in hell damn you for leaving me

jesusdeathcar69: just dammit and damn you

jesusdeathcar69: you lousy pile of piss

jesusdeathcar69: you remind me of the pile of piss that splashed at me from the toilet

jesusdeathcar69: dammit edgar

eliebowitz1 has signed off

Fux Innernets

There is a young couple sitting together at a candlelit dinner inside a circus tent, staring blankly at each other, a smile on both faces. A dog sits in the corner, staring at the couple; every so often the couple throws the dog a treat. When the dog eats it, a red heart floats above his head, likely expressing his love for the treat. A heart of equal size and color floats above the heads of the couple, likely expressing their love for one another; though each one of these hearts are essentially the same, it is unlikely that the love the dog feels for the treat is of equal value to the love the couple feels for one another (I think Socrates would have a thing or two to say about this situation).

Also, Arnold Schwartnegger (sic!) can bench press more than George W. Bush can, evidenced by Arnold's muscular physique and beaming smile and Bush's potbelly, flimsy arms and large frown. We can help George W. Bush improve if we desire, but I don't really think we do.

There is a pig of an amazing length and girth who has the two letter abbreviation of each of the fifty states carved into his left side. The pig seems to be content with this situation; he is netiher bleeding nor frowning, a smile stays with him forever. I personally hope if he was going to have this sort of horrid ordeal happen to him that at the very least someone got some bacon strips with state names on them, but this remains to be seen.

Elsewhere, if we can shoot Eminem we can win a thousand dollars*, or perhaps a free iPod*. The bounty hunter who hired us is as of yet unnamed, but we've learned in our experience not to ask questions.

What the hell, people.

But I Forgot To Include The Bit About The Deadly Sea Creatures

Typing on the internet is killing intelligence. No one on Earth seems to know which "your" to use, ever. Why would someone type "you're macaroni was hella tasty"? People like to abbreviate, I understand, but in this case using the wrong "your" means typing more than you would have to originally.

But I also hate people who complain about this, because it is dumb and a waste of time. Everyone's response to arguments made on the internet is "You spelled this thing wrong, therefore your argument is completely invalid." Fuck that.

I kind of steer clear of any kind of typing on the internet, because people gain the ability to be as much of a jackass as they've always wanted to because everyone is anonymous.

Yell at me for every single grammatical, spelling and punctuation error in this missive. Do it.

Oh, also, I guess it is Valentine's Day. Go hug something.

Yes, Our Plans Were To Plot A Crime So We Could Meet You, Batman

My roommate makes a specific differentiation between "lesbians" and "dykes". See, see, lesbians are hot, whereas dykes aren't. Lesbians are attractive young women with long hair and luscious breasts, whereas dykes have short hair, motorcycles, flannel and beat up men in bars. Basically, you're allowed to like lesbians but you're not allowed to like dykes. I think the term is "lipstick lesbians" for many people. A neat little compromise homophobics can make to say that they enjoy watching women make out, but not enough to stop hating homosexuals.

Then of course there are those with integrity. Those who stick by their convictions and don't make exceptions like that. "I hate people who say 'I hate homosexuals, but I loooove lesbians'," they say, "I make no differentiation. I hate lesbians too." Good for them! That is true hatred, ladies and gentlemen. Glad to see there are still people out there with strength in their ideals.

I think the whole concept of lipstick lesbians to be bullshit. It's a way for straight men to become comfortable with the fact that they like homosexuality. Because, come on, who doesn't like to see two girls make out? But then again, that may mean I have to start accepting them as people! Oh no! The differentiation between "lesbians" and "dykes" allows for a neat little categorization of people so you can be sure to hate the right people and still be comfortable with the fact that seeing some long haired blonde bimbo splashing into fun-time water park makes Captain Happy make a trip for Alaska. It just seems insulting to me to group people into "likable" and "hateable" based on one's hatred for homosexuality peppered with one's love for unrealistic porno situations. Besides, people aren't as easily defined anyway. I've noticed most of these "lesbians" my roommate speaks of are really just the Maxim-magazine, experimenting college girls who delves into bisexuality out of trend and attention from men. And he's one of these men that is so susceptable.

Most of the lesbians I know cannot be lumped into either category. None of them are your typical Playboy-centerfold-straddling-a-stuffed-beaver supermodel (I hate all those people anyway), but none of them sit around in dyke bars ranting about how much they hate men over Australian-sized beers and army boots. People aren't these stereotypes, and I've never really understood where people get these ideas that they are (television!!!). I honestly believe people get all of their sociological understanding of people from Mad TV and porno (I've ranted many times against Maxim magazine, maybe I'll give them a rest; besides, I can't claim I don't enjoy oggling the cover girls whilst on the johnny boy). I tend to look at people as people and not lump them into groups (or at the very least I have a much broader and more specific spectrum of groups that I mentally group people in). Aren't I just so damned benevolent, huh?

And you know. I'm a straight man, I like to see girls make out. Lesbians are hot. No doubt about that. So hot, in fact, that perhaps straight men are starting to come around as far as the whole acceptance and tolerance thing goes. The only problem is the ideal is purely a fantastic one, and typically unrealistic. Guys don't like lesbians, they really just want straight girls to touch each other. Basically, my question is: Is this love of lesbianism a step in the right direction, or just further falling into homophobia?

Like Two Carl Buddigs Tied To A Coconut Flapping In The Wind

I think I'm only writing this to see the little time stamp at the bottom staring back at me, reminding me the fact that I am still the fuck awake. I got some mad insomnia, quite unnecessary too. I feel like this is insomnia I could get over if I wanted to, but I clearly don't. I stay up late doing nothing, and I'm not talking "watched a movie with some friends/had a few beers/walked around the lake" type nothing. I'm talking full on nothing. Actual nothing. Like I can't even remember what it is that took up all this time because it was just that unremarkable. I ate an Arby's roast beef sandwich and watched an episode of Freakazoid!, I also spent much time tooling around on this here internet. I always feel like maybe if I do things on the sinkhole known as the interenet I will be bored eventually and the tired will hit, but that certainly hasn't been happening. Doing nothing only fuels my ability to stay awake. So here I am writing, writing nothing really, to try to eat up time before I can pass out. I still have a homework assignment to do, but I am always very slack when it comes to that shit. Slack yo. Slack.

There is nothing better than staying up real late and seeing someone else in the same state. You could do something as hat as watch TV with somebody you see every day, but set it at 4:30 am and suddenly it's an event. For me at least. I get kind of a religious experience out of staying up late. Maybe it's a leftover romanticism of it from childhood. I remember a time when I had to struggle to make it to midnight on New Years. Now I can't remember a night in the past 5 years where I went to sleep before 12. Telelvision is funnier at this late of a night. That must be why Jack Van Impe is on at 1130 pm on Sundays. Seeing another person up at the same time as you sets up an immediate connection between the two of you. We are both up this late. We share something. I have positive memories of my mother coming down to the kitchen at 1:30 in the morning for a midnight snack to see me watching telelvision; we shared snacks and stories. Then she slept and I stayed up. It was such a nothing experience, but for some reason there was something to it for me.

I tend to look at things in a different light when I'm up this late. I'm generally happy when I am. Things seem exciting and interesting, especially if they vehemently are not so. I don't know if anyone else understands; if they did, they'd be up eating a sandwich with me.

Here's to you people that are now asleep: I eat this sandwich for the two of us. Rock the natural world, I'll sit alone in my blurry-eyed daze and watch life hide it's blemishes.

The Heartland Mafucker, Sippin' Whole Milk Mafucker

Name: John Spencer
Age: 19
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Occupation: Time-wasting
Interests: 1. Backwards signs reflected in mirrors so that they appear the right way.
2. Outward corners are evil, inward corners are beautiful.
3. Making my cuticles hurt.
4. Collecting eyebrow dandruff and eyelashes on a blank piece of paper.
5. Doing somersaults at inappropiate times.
6. Public urination from tall heights.
7. Public television.
8. Ruining my life.

And piss-off.

Pictured With Either Alcohol Or Sadness

My sleep schedule is mad fucked right now. Basically I haven't slept since 9 am Thursday morning, other than a few choice naps interspersed, never exceeding more than three hours in length. These naps always occur around 4 pm and last to 7ish, and I then basically stay up all night. I kind of shot myself into a schedule of poor sleeping since winter break, and now I have sort of entered a second stage, if you will. I never feel tired, except at certain times in the day and once those hit I basically pass out, wake up a few hours later and move on. Time holds no meaning anymore; I literally could not tell if it was 10 am or pm earlier tonight, I had to look out a window. I know this probably isn't healthy, but frankly, I'm feeling great. Can't wait til this catches up with me, because then I'll have something interesting going on.

Family Hug!

Man, what a SCAMOLA! Or maybe even a SCAM-O-MANIA! Super giant scam spelled in the angriest font, emboldened and italicized, then underlined for emphasis, and also in large capital letters! LIKE THIS! THIS IS WHAT CAPITAL LETTERS ARE AND LOOK LIKE! Oh, and I'll follow it up with several exclamation points, and maybe a 1 at the end, either as an accident or as a joke about those who accidentally put 1's at the end of a series of !'s (but you'll never know which, I'm slick like that).

It is Arby's, the restaurant. They. I recieved 4 gift certificates to Arby's restaurant, each worth $5 of Arby food. Which, you know, I'm all "Cool, I get to eat today". So I all totally go to the damned restaurant, that mind you I would not have gone to at all if I did not have the gift certificates, and take a quick overview of their fine menu. I get the Beef 'N Cheddar combo, because I want not just a roast beef sandwhich, but one that looks like a very sick dog took a yellowy crap on it. Yum. So I order the medium, which by the way is the smallest size they had which SCAM DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE SCAM SCAM, and they're all telling me the price. $5.87. Word, whatever, I got like $20 of Funn Buxx to spend here and here only. SO I fork over two of my $5 tickets, cuz it went it slightly over $5 so I gotta use a second ticket, right? No big deal, right? Like this whole transaction is not like anything even, that's how little of a deal this all is! But then WHAM BAM SCAM THEY HIT ME WITH THE INFO. I apparantly don't get any money back on the second ticket! If I were to use it, it'd be $4.13 of Arby money flushed down the Arby toilet! Just straight up flushed! So I pay with A REAL DOLLAR BILL. Did you see those four words? They were big, I don't know how you missed 'em. A REAL DOLLAR BILL. One that could be spent somewhere OTHER THAN ARBY'S. This is a dollar bill that I would not have spent at Arby's otherwise. If I hadn't had these gift certificates, I would've not even enter the place and stayed in my bed with my dollar bill, kissing it and rolling around in joy. But no, they squeezed REAL ACTUAL MONEY out of me. And, like, you know, it's their perogative to not hand out real time money or even a lowered gift certificate as change, policy and shit, but ALL OF THEIR ITEMS ARE SLIGHTLY OVER $5. Just enough to make you pay actual money that you wouldn't have paid otherwise, because the gift certificates are for $5, not $5.87. THEY HAD THIS ALL FIGURED OUT.

SCAM SCAMMITY SCAMMER SCAMBOTRONIC SCIZZLE BIZZLE ON THE BUSINESS OF A SCAM SANDWHICH AKA SCAMWHICH WHICH IS A SCAM SCAM SCAM.

I air my grievances, essentially.